Solitude

I used to have a website called Sharing Corner, one that I hand-coded in notepad using the html I learned back in university.

It's gone now, I think the service provider for the web space went under or something, I changed to blogspot when I started working anyway.

Elder son is learning html in his computer club at school, I thought of my Sharing Corner and all that hand-coded html, so I went and dug it up.

And oh dear, memories and nostalgia...

I used to have this section called Solitude, my online diary kind of thing, the predecessor of Scribble Pad really.

And I wrote a piece as the introduction to that section back in 2002, and here it is.

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I am a sentimental person

It's both a blessing and a curse

Many say that I am a sensitive person

But yet at times my ignorance is staggering

It is said that ignorance is bliss

To a certain extent I do agree

For sometimes what we don't know cannot hurt us

And at times the more we know the less happy we become

Like a concealed truth hidden from our knowledge

It does us no harm till we found out we'd been deceived

Or like the untainted minds of the children

So simple and pure and full of joys and happiness

Then again, nothing is of absolute certainty

As the world is ever changing

So is human being

Perhaps moderation is indeed the key

You see, I like to ponder the things in life

I believe we learn as we live

And I feel better and stronger and more complete

With every insight, knowledge and understanding I receive

I am ever searching for the kind

Who listens with the heart

And reaches with open mind

For that's how I do others

Those few I found have distanced somehow

Faded away after a season

Often without any reason

Perhaps that's how it's meant to be

I am no writer, nor am I a poet

But I like to express and to share the feelings inside

The sentiments, the thoughts, the emotions

All those special moments and instants in life

Within Solitude silently harbour

A song waiting for the right choir

A voice willing to share with those who linger

A soul wondering where next to wander

- CK -

15 June 2002

(edited 21 September 2004)

Other |sane side| category entries.

Maybe...

Maybe if I was not such an old fart, not such a slacker, not so antisocial, and still give a damn...

...I would go out and about to view the flock of sheep, so I could feel good about myself being the odd one out.

Happy for being one of those who doesn't follow the masses.

In my own opinion, the sensible one. The smart one, if I say so myself, hehe. =P

Couldn't do it without an equally smart and sensible wifey. Actually smarter wifey, but never mind.

We consciously and actively not support any of the inflated stuff the greedy business-owners try to capitalise on, which defeats and ruins the meaning of the occasion.

Sorry, don't see the value of those inflated prices, just pure greed and nothing else.

So we celebrate whenever we like, any day, or days, but 14th of February.

Or if we do celebrate on the day, it's at where the prices aren't inflated.

And as I aged (hopefully becoming wiser), I find that I gradually couldn't even give a damn about it anymore.

Greedy people will continue to be so, foolish people will continue to be so.

So be it, as long as I am not one of them.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

世界会好一点

我想，如果…

少点恐慌，多点防患；

少点盲目跟从，多点理智了解；

少点怕输，多点谦让；

少点自私牟利，多点救灾救济；

少点自我，多点大局；

少点断章取义，多点散播事实；

少点排斥，多点包容；

少点欺凌欺负，多点关护帮助；

少点取笑，多点教导；

少点傲慢脾气，多点虚心向学；

少点埋怨，多点感恩；

少点说，多点做；

少点闹，多点笑；

少点恨，多点爱；

那么，这世界会好一点的。

随兴随想 |系列|

Dark thoughts

This is what someone with depression goes through, when it's a bad bout. Don't worry, I walked away to my room, unnoticed.

So there I was, sitting at the balcony, waiting for my turn to do my dishes.

Lacked the energy nor mood to repeat the same thing about washing dishes being my job.

Nobody listens. Nobody cares.

Watched the traffic down below, the pedestrians crossing the road, the docked cruise ship with its lights.

Waiting for wifey to be done and informs me it's my turn.

Secretly wishing she would notice me sitting there and would go and give me a back hug.

Yea, fat chance that's going to happen.

I would settle with an acknowledgement that I was there, maybe a simple enquiry of whether I was okay, or what I was doing sitting there...

Yea, that would have been nice.

You know, shows that someone cares.

Regardless of how many times I expressed myself, informing them directly that I am in a bad depression this time, nobody cares.

So there I was, sitting at the balcony, watching the scene below, feeling all alone in my own house, among my family.

And dark and macabre thoughts crept in.

How long before they found out I have jumped?

Pretty sure it would be from the neighbour, or management, instead of them noticing me missing.

What would the news say?

An unexpected action that the family could not understand? That I was fine all along?

Or something they knew could happen but didn't catch the sign? That they have done their best, gave me all their support, care and love?

Wonder what my obituary would be like?

Would it be a relief for them?

No more nagging, no more restricting, no more life lessons.

No more clingy, despondent person around. Free to migrate to the country she wants.

Or actually just same old same old? I am the outsider after all.

Just a money source.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

闭关

这两天疲倦不堪。

早晨醒来头重脚轻，鼻水流个不停。

没有发烧、没有鼻塞、没有喉咙痛，没有其他感冒的症状，就是鼻水流个不停…

我选择了自我关闭，在家里工作。

毕竟因为冠状病毒的缘故，大家最近都比较敏感。

而且，我知道自己病了。

不是感冒，是忧郁症赢了。

我输了，无法保持正能量，没能抵御和压抑着忧郁，现在已陷入了低谷期。

心境、能量、情绪、思维等等一团糟。

有忧郁症的人就会懂。

别人帮不到我，所以我闭关。

让我静静等它离开，才慢慢爬出去…

随兴随想 |系列|

心的频道：灰灰·蓝蓝

这次忧郁症的来袭还真累人。

我好像快被击败了。

渐渐无法保持好心情、无法保持正能量。

这几天负能量迅速加值，我越来越低的正能量开始抵抗不住…

开始消极、开始厌世。

暗淡无光，阴阴灰灰的感觉。

好像我是黑暗的中心，被负能量围绕着的黑洞，召唤晦气和霉气。

吞噬消减一切快乐和美好的东西和情绪…

心的频道 |系列

我是你第三的儿子

“妈咪，生日快乐！”

“妈咪，你认得我吗？”

“我是你第三的儿子。”

“没有了头发，你不认得我啊？”

“妈咪…”

妈妈就那样看着视频电话里我的影像，默不作声、没有反应。

因为对她来说，我是个陌生人。

我不知道她逐渐消失的记忆里，还有没有我的点点滴滴？

如果还有的话，是几岁的我的记忆呢？

自己的母亲不再认得自己，是很心酸沮丧的事。

也很无奈无助。

因为什么都不能做来改变这老年痴呆症。

只会越来越糟。

心里很难受。

心语细述 |系列|