Dark thoughts

This is what someone with depression goes through, when it's a bad bout. Don't worry, I walked away to my room, unnoticed.

So there I was, sitting at the balcony, waiting for my turn to do my dishes.

Lacked the energy nor mood to repeat the same thing about washing dishes being my job.

Nobody listens. Nobody cares.

Watched the traffic down below, the pedestrians crossing the road, the docked cruise ship with its lights.

Waiting for wifey to be done and informs me it's my turn.

Secretly wishing she would notice me sitting there and would go and give me a back hug.

Yea, fat chance that's going to happen.

I would settle with an acknowledgement that I was there, maybe a simple enquiry of whether I was okay, or what I was doing sitting there...

Yea, that would have been nice.

You know, shows that someone cares.

Regardless of how many times I expressed myself, informing them directly that I am in a bad depression this time, nobody cares.

So there I was, sitting at the balcony, watching the scene below, feeling all alone in my own house, among my family.

And dark and macabre thoughts crept in.

How long before they found out I have jumped?

Pretty sure it would be from the neighbour, or management, instead of them noticing me missing.

What would the news say?

An unexpected action that the family could not understand? That I was fine all along?

Or something they knew could happen but didn't catch the sign? That they have done their best, gave me all their support, care and love?

Wonder what my obituary would be like?

Would it be a relief for them?

No more nagging, no more restricting, no more life lessons.

No more clingy, despondent person around. Free to migrate to the country she wants.

Or actually just same old same old? I am the outsider after all.

Just a money source.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.