一天一天过

我最近怎么样？

嗯，老实说我也不知道自己究竟是怎么样…

这次的忧郁症比较严重，每天都是低能量、低效率。感觉好累，还有就是麻木。

今天公假，我加时工作了三个小时半，但效率很差。明天拿了假，和接着的周末，我应该都会加时工作。

我不好，状况很差，但工还是要做，日子还是要过。

感谢问候和邀约，但我这样的时候不想要见人，希望能够理解。

过几天就是守孝四十九天，或许那过后再开始网上的桌面游戏吧？

嗯，我不好，但日子还是要过。我就是这样一天一天的过…

心语细述 |系列|

Gotta note this down

I went to look for my university books today, pretty much untouched since after I unpacked the shipment from England all those years ago, gathering dust in the home library.

Got the two I was looking for, and read a chapter or two looking for the stuff I need.

Well, not really need, more like looking for a sophisticated way to phrase the technical stuff I am going to share next week.

I already know what to share, and most likely will share in layman's terms so people can actually understand. But to prepare the material, I want something more formal. Gotta keep up the appearances, hehe. =P

And honestly, what's written in the books is sure to put the audience to sleep. Goodness, they just have to make it so hard to grasp, all the big words and technical terms in long sentences.

Wonder how I actually understand them all those years back, must have reread those sentences several times...

Whenever I present something nowadays, I pretty much never read the material I prepared verbatim, I just give the gist of it in as straight forward way as I can.

Anyway, just wanted to record this incident, that I actually read a technical book after graduating from university so many years ago.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

Respite?

Today my manager informed us that for our team, there are no one selected for the involuntary headcount reduction.

For many, that's a relief for months long anxiety.

Don't know the number of headcount lost for my department as a whole. That number has not be announced.

For my immediate team, we lost two. They opted for voluntary separation.

I supposed I felt relieved. Though to be honest, I felt mostly numb and knackered.

It's hard to feel anything when in deep depression, and the prevailing thought is: so, when is the next round of headcount reduction?

Ya, depression and negativity go hand in hand.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

疲累

感觉这一次，连续累了很多很多天。

是比较严重的忧郁症的关系？还是其它原因？

每天都很低的能量，对凡事缺乏兴致。

就是很累。

夜间也常常发梦，那种醒来还能记得自己刚发过梦，连续好几天了。而且总是和家人有关。

我真的好累。

随兴随想 |系列|

这样的人

本故事纯属虚构，只求表述人的态度本质。扩展我对婴儿或年幼的孩子解释要从错误学习不要重犯，和从别人的经验学习就可以省掉自己走冤枉路和避免伤痛的热水壶例子。

“天气鬼这样冷，都不知道是什么世界来的！” 儿子一贯的凡事埋怨。

“嗯，那你要不要喝些热的饮料暖一暖身？” 母亲温馨建议。

“哦，好主意，我要喝热可可。”

“你自己去冲泡你的热可可，刚刚烧开了水，小心水壶还很热。”

“靠！水壶这么热烫到手了啦，妈的XXXXXX（删掉其它的粗话）！”

“怎么会烫到的？水壶把手有那么烫吗？”

“什么鬼把手啦，当然是水壶本身啦，拿水壶当然是双手握着水壶的身体的啦！”

“多数的人是用把手的，已经证实不会烫手，可以轻易移动水壶的，你试试看。”

“妈的，你整天就是要控制我！为什么就不能让我用自己的方式？你越要控制我，我就越叛逆，越不要跟你的方式做！”

“就是给你个建议，一个证实了可行的方式。你已经试了你的方式十多次，每次都一样的结果，为什么还要继续用行不通的方式呢？难道就没有其他办法了吗？不要用把手，或许可以戴隔热手套？”

“你看！就是整天逼我用你的方式，不给我自由！妈的这是什么家来的，好像监牢那样。”

“唉，既然壶身很烫手，你又不要用我建议的方式，那你要用什么办法冲泡你的热可可呢？”

“我根本都没有要喝热可可，是你逼我那样讲的，不然你就会一直问一直问！”

“你为什么要扭曲事实？明明就是你自己说要喝热可可的，我就是想让你冷天里暖身而已。”

“我不用你管！我的方法是对的，总有一次我会幸运的不被烫到的。再说，热可可是什么烂东西！我等到水壶冷了就可以用我的方式来冲泡可可了。”

“你就是要靠运气吗？冷可可怎么暖身呢？”

“妈的！你就是不能够支持我，听我讲的。我告诉你，整个世界会变成喝冷可可来暖身的！”

随兴随想 |系列|

心碎

不为自己的言行举止负责任的大瓜，任性的自我。

推卸责任、扭转事实、强词夺理，来狡辩自己导致的后果、来自我感觉良好、来逃脱承担后果。

不为自己的前途做打算，不努力求学，全级最后一班仍旧自以为是的游手好闲。

不为自己的将来努力，要靠奇迹和好运来通过高中的政府考试。不懂得上进的烂泥，和不靠谱的人生计划。

又极端自我，不听别人靠谱的方式，仍旧坚持要用自己失败了四年的方式。自己没有自律管不好自己，反咬说是父母要控制、要约束。

把奖励变成理所当然，自己达不到自己定下的目标拿不到奖励就埋怨发脾气，怪在父母身上。

为了这孩子我竟然哭了，真的是对这孩子绝望了…

心语细述 |系列|

Sanctuary changed

Finally completed the main storyline of Diablo IV in world tier 1, with a level 43 sorcerer using frost spells. Took me long enough to do what others managed in matter of hours, heh. =P

Then again, I am no rusher, and I have limited time for gaming. Sad but true.

Lilith, the main character in the storyline

So many old characters returned, Diablo series has continuity! Then again, so many questions left unanswered...

At the end of Diablo III expansion The Reaper of Souls, all the Prime and Lesser Evils trapped within the black soul stone were presumably released, but we don't get to know what happened to all of them in Diablo IV. And what happened to Tyrael?

that's how my character looks like nearing the end of the main storyline

Guess we will have to wait until Diablo IV expansion.

soul stone with a trapped Prime Evil

Alrighty, the exploration of the whole Diablo IV map begins! And the side quests, and the altar hunt, and the classes, and...

Other |geeky gaming| category entries.

Sad dream

Woke up suddenly in the middle of the night with hammering heartbeat and a profound sense of sadness and frustration.

I don't often got woken up by a dream. Or perhaps I don't often remember being woken up by a dream. But this I do remember.

While there was disorientation with abrupt wakefulness from sleep, I don't consider it a nightmare, the piecemeal fragments of the dream I can still remember are not frightful.

It's a dream with only direct family members, in a house somewhere, where I had endless chores and laborious works, and that sense of dire consequences if I couldn't complete them.

The rest of the family were all doing some leisurely stuff, but none of them would help me, and ignored all my pleas. I was isolated and being totally ignored.

As the nature of dreams, I simply knew that I was just a lowly servant or slave. Also, in dreams, things just changed from one scene to another, one snapshot to another without the interim but somehow still seemed perfectly logical. So the next thing I remembered was feeling the unfairness, the horrible treatment, the pain and frustration.

And then I ran, away from the family, and they pursued. The chase ended with me on a rooftop, shouting and screaming with all my heart: "You all never listen! You all just ignore me!", but no voice came out. The frustration level must be unbearable then because that was when I woke up.

I couldn't really get back to sleep after that, though I can totally relate to that dream.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

Diablo IV has arrived

Diablo IV has officially arrived on 6th of June 2023.

For those with moola aplenty, it arrived a few days earlier. Since I cannot justify the extra cost just to play the game a few days earlier, as the other so called benefits do not interest me in the least, I joined those who only purchased the base package of the game and entered this fourth iteration of the world of Sanctuary on 6th of June.

Diablo I is the game that got me into playing computer game more seriously, so I am a loyal fan of the Diablo game series. Yes, including the disgrace that is Diablo Immortal which I am more than happy to leave behind now that Diablo IV is here.

As I am in for the long haul, I am playing it a lot slower compared to when I had only a few days to play during the beta. Life circumstances are not conducive to gaming recently anyway, busy with work, family issue, depression...

yes I know, I took this screenshot in beta but just had to take another because it's awesome

Really it's only after lunch today (as was working overtime in the morning) that I got some worthy amount of game time in, and finally completed Act 2 of the main storyline. I am leaving the side quests, dungeons, map exploration, Lilith altar hunting, et cetera, to after I have completed the main questline.

Lilith, holding a soulstone, in one of the cut scenes in Act 2

Well, a bit of spoiler here so stop reading if you don't want to see any spoiler regarding the storyline. *SPOILER warning!*

Coming a full circle of soulstone in the head nearing the end of the main questline in Act 2. The cut scenes brought back fond memory of Diablo I.

That's my progress so far, will play on my own pace to complete the main storyline and then see what hits my fancy, be it any of those activities mentioned earlier, starting another class, or going all the way to max level. I am in no rush, I intend to play the game for years to come.

Other |geeky gaming| category entries.

十七年

小天使，今年爸爸特别早就开始想你
因为奶奶也去天国了
爸爸在守孝，悼念奶奶

爸爸现在状况很不好
忧郁症属于比较严重的一次
得不到家人的呵护关爱

家已不是爸爸可以休息充电的避风港
那个令人头疼、烦恼、伤心的大弟弟
不懂事又自以为是，而且越来越没有礼貌，像个流氓

很多东西讲了又讲，讲个寂寞
妈妈也是那样…
所以家里不和谐、不安宁、不温暖

爸爸很累，真的很累
开始有想要放弃的念头
太累了，这样的生活，这样的家庭

你可要在天国好好的哦
保佑你的妈妈和弟弟们
陪陪奶奶

我以后天国和你们相聚。

心语细述 |系列|

Hello cave

Hello cave...

This depression bout is a bad one. For some reason I just know it.

The constant family frictions are just adding to it. That's the sad and helpless part.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.