28 February 2020

有感而发:没日没夜


二零二零年二月二十八日。

我除了邪恶,也自认是闲懒达人。

我尽责,但我才不要为了公司拼了命、赔了生活。

我工作为了生活,不是生活为了工作。

工作忙到没了生活,到底还有什么意思?

我不是工作狂,当我忙到没时间生活时,我会感到非常厌恶、失败、和鄙视自己。


最近工作量突然暴增,好几个案件重贴同样的时间点。

有完美主义的我不能同时交出我自己满意的业务成绩。

不够好的我不想要呈报,我有我的原则和水准。

所以我没日没夜的在工作。

又在天天工作超过十二小时了,不断优化改进我的热流模型。

每几个小时就会检查热流模拟的进展和状况,包过周末。


所以我已无法享受生活。

所以我很不爽。

厌恶、鄙视失败的自己。

有够废。



有感而发 |系列|


23 February 2020

Value


Disclaimer: like all other entries in this blog, the points and perspectives in this entry are purely my own opinion.

Funny how a WhatsApp chat regarding smartphone can get the gears on my sane and logical side turning.

Smartphone, or what I like to call "mobile internet digital camera with phone (and other) function", has its camera as the main selling point nowadays.

After competing to be bigger (how is that more convenient to bring around?), now it's a competition of how many lenses on the device.

Just... ridiculous really. To me, that is.

Why is it still market as a phone is beyond me, when the phone function of the device gets little usage time compared to its other functions nowadays.

Oh well.


Regardless, people are still buying all those latest and greatest smartphones that cost (to me) an arm and a leg like the world will end without them.

That means they still find those smartphones worth their value for the asking price. They still find value for money in those products.

I think we can all agree that business is about making profit, else it's not business but charity.

It's all about profit margin, and a product's price is whatever the consumers are willing to pay for, regardless of the product cost or the actual value.

It's all about the perceived value by the consumers. Okay, and how greedy the business-owners are but we already established that business is all about profit margin.

As long as the consumers continue to buy (to the volume projected by the business-owners), the business-owners will continue to make and sell more and more expensive products. Perfectly logical business sense.


It's all down to the consumers.

The power to steer the product pricing is in the consumers' hands, but only if the mass majority has similar value for money standard, and is willing to act on it.

If the mass majority of consumers in a specific market segment refuse to buy an overpriced product, then the business-owner will need to price it accordingly in their next product or lose the market share.

But of course smart business-owners would already have done their market survey prior to launching the product.

So it still boils down to the mass majority of the consumers are either filthy rich (compared to me), or perceived there is value for money for those, to me, overpriced stuff.

Or just being what I called the white sheep.


I probably should put in another disclaimer here: that while I am doing okay (according to my own definition), I am very far from being rich by any standard. In fact, wifey believes our financial situation is shit and will become shittier if we do not migrate to some other country.

I think of those who just follow mass majority trend as the white sheep.

Some of them may not think it's value for money, but they will buy it nevertheless, just to be part of the mass. To be on the bandwagon, to be "in", so to speak.

Good thing I never have any qualm being the black sheep. I never need to be "in" if it doesn't make sense to me, if it doesn't have value for money to me.

Either I have very high standard for value for money, or I am cheap.


Also, unlike some people, my needs don't inflate with the advancement in technology.

I never have the urge to get the latest and greatest if I already have something that serves the purpose, that fulfils the need.

For example my 6 megapixel point and shoot camera serves the purpose of capturing the important moments in life when I bought it many years ago, it still serves the purpose perfectly fine nowadays.

Higher megapixel camera will get bigger resolution photos, but do I really need bigger resolution photos? Am I ever going to print those photos in poster size? Or are they just a record of event, to be viewed on computer, tablet, or television screen?

Is being able to see the wrinkles or pimples on the face important? Maybe it is to some, but not to me. I am happy with all those old photos I have, for they serve their purpose.


I have never been a materialistic person, and I have known from mingling with others that my sense of value for money is definitely not the same as the mass majority.

I am fine with that, like I said, I never have any qualm being the odd one out.

Maybe I am just mingling with the wrong 'rich' crowd, where I don't belong.



Other |sane side| category entries.


22 February 2020

Low batt


Tired.

I think I have weathered the worst of the depression bout this time round, but energy level is still very low.

Haven't been sleeping well, that's probably the main reason.

Just kept waking up multiple times every night, don't know why.

The latest job scope being such a downgrade from the previous doesn't help.

This kind of re-organisation sucks.

Motivation and morale are low.

As of yesterday's news, yet another new job scope coming up, should be in addition to the current job scope, but anyhow this department sure changes a lot.

I know I know, the only constant is change and all that.

But changes take time, adaptation and new skill set acquirement take time.

Catching up to speed takes time, proficiency takes time.

Anyway, feel so low battery lately.

Don't like this state.

I need quality sleep, and better job scope won't hurt.



Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.


19 February 2020

我们一起…


…喵喵喵?

不是要讲那洗脑歌啦,呵呵!


我很坦白直接的。

说过很多次了,我是邪恶的。

不要以为是谦虚什么的,我真的是邪恶的。

真的。


很习惯性的买多一条油条给同事,原因我早就跟他说过了。

都说我很坦白直接的。

就是不能只是我自己肥咯!

一定要周围的人也一起肥,相对下就没差嘛…


当然当然,反社会的我也没有那么多够近的同事可以这样直接陷害啦。

毕竟工作要保持一定的庄重规范什么的。

(而且人类很累人、很可怕的,才不要去靠近人…)

我很坦白告知我是邪恶的了,还靠近的就是准备给我害了咯。

我是这样理解的啦…

(都讲了人类很可怕的,我也承认我是邪恶的啊。)


以为我是谦虚,还是只是在讲笑,我也很无奈。

做了邪恶的事却没有人认知也是很讨厌的事咯。


嗯,不要发牢骚,就快快结束这文章吧。

记得哦,伴侣和你一起慢慢变老,邪恶的同事和你一起慢慢变胖!



随兴随想 |系列|


16 February 2020

Solitude


I used to have a website called Sharing Corner, one that I hand-coded in notepad using the html I learned back in university.

It's gone now, I think the service provider for the web space went under or something, I changed to blogspot when I started working anyway.

Elder son is learning html in his computer club at school, I thought of my Sharing Corner and all that hand-coded html, so I went and dug it up.

And oh dear, memories and nostalgia...


I used to have this section called Solitude, my online diary kind of thing, the predecessor of Scribble Pad really.

And I wrote a piece as the introduction to that section back in 2002, and here it is.

-----

I am a sentimental person
It's both a blessing and a curse
Many say that I am a sensitive person
But yet at times my ignorance is staggering

It is said that ignorance is bliss
To a certain extent I do agree
For sometimes what we don't know cannot hurt us
And at times the more we know the less happy we become

Like a concealed truth hidden from our knowledge
It does us no harm till we found out we'd been deceived
Or like the untainted minds of the children
So simple and pure and full of joys and happiness

Then again, nothing is of absolute certainty
As the world is ever changing
So is human being
Perhaps moderation is indeed the key

You see, I like to ponder the things in life
I believe we learn as we live
And I feel better and stronger and more complete
With every insight, knowledge and understanding I receive

I am ever searching for the kind
Who listens with the heart
And reaches with open mind
For that's how I do others

Those few I found have distanced somehow
Faded away after a season
Often without any reason
Perhaps that's how it's meant to be

I am no writer, nor am I a poet
But I like to express and to share the feelings inside
The sentiments, the thoughts, the emotions
All those special moments and instants in life

Within Solitude silently harbour
A song waiting for the right choir
A voice willing to share with those who linger
A soul wondering where next to wander

- CK -
15 June 2002
(edited 21 September 2004)



Other |sane side| category entries.


14 February 2020

Maybe...


Maybe if I was not such an old fart, not such a slacker, not so antisocial, and still give a damn...

...I would go out and about to view the flock of sheep, so I could feel good about myself being the odd one out.

Happy for being one of those who doesn't follow the masses.

In my own opinion, the sensible one. The smart one, if I say so myself, hehe. =P


Couldn't do it without an equally smart and sensible wifey. Actually smarter wifey, but never mind.

We consciously and actively not support any of the inflated stuff the greedy business-owners try to capitalise on, which defeats and ruins the meaning of the occasion.

Sorry, don't see the value of those inflated prices, just pure greed and nothing else.

So we celebrate whenever we like, any day, or days, but 14th of February.

Or if we do celebrate on the day, it's at where the prices aren't inflated.


And as I aged (hopefully becoming wiser), I find that I gradually couldn't even give a damn about it anymore.

Greedy people will continue to be so, foolish people will continue to be so.

So be it, as long as I am not one of them.



Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.


12 February 2020

世界会好一点


我想,如果…

少点恐慌,多点防患;

少点盲目跟从,多点理智了解;

少点怕输,多点谦让;

少点自私牟利,多点救灾救济;

少点自我,多点大局;

少点断章取义,多点散播事实;

少点排斥,多点包容;

少点欺凌欺负,多点关护帮助;

少点取笑,多点教导;

少点傲慢脾气,多点虚心向学;

少点埋怨,多点感恩;

少点说,多点做;

少点闹,多点笑;

少点恨,多点爱;

那么,这世界会好一点的。



随兴随想 |系列|


08 February 2020

Dark thoughts


This is what someone with depression goes through, when it's a bad bout. Don't worry, I walked away to my room, unnoticed.


So there I was, sitting at the balcony, waiting for my turn to do my dishes.

Lacked the energy nor mood to repeat the same thing about washing dishes being my job.

Nobody listens. Nobody cares.


Watched the traffic down below, the pedestrians crossing the road, the docked cruise ship with its lights.

Waiting for wifey to be done and informs me it's my turn.

Secretly wishing she would notice me sitting there and would go and give me a back hug.

Yea, fat chance that's going to happen.

I would settle with an acknowledgement that I was there, maybe a simple enquiry of whether I was okay, or what I was doing sitting there...

Yea, that would have been nice.

You know, shows that someone cares.


Regardless of how many times I expressed myself, informing them directly that I am in a bad depression this time, nobody cares.

So there I was, sitting at the balcony, watching the scene below, feeling all alone in my own house, among my family.

And dark and macabre thoughts crept in.


How long before they found out I have jumped?

Pretty sure it would be from the neighbour, or management, instead of them noticing me missing.

What would the news say?

An unexpected action that the family could not understand? That I was fine all along?

Or something they knew could happen but didn't catch the sign? That they have done their best, gave me all their support, care and love?

Wonder what my obituary would be like?


Would it be a relief for them?

No more nagging, no more restricting, no more life lessons.

No more clingy, despondent person around. Free to migrate to the country she wants.

Or actually just same old same old? I am the outsider after all.

Just a money source.



Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.


07 February 2020

闭关


这两天疲倦不堪。

早晨醒来头重脚轻,鼻水流个不停。

没有发烧、没有鼻塞、没有喉咙痛,没有其他感冒的症状,就是鼻水流个不停…

我选择了自我关闭,在家里工作。

毕竟因为冠状病毒的缘故,大家最近都比较敏感。

而且,我知道自己病了。

不是感冒,是忧郁症赢了。

我输了,无法保持正能量,没能抵御和压抑着忧郁,现在已陷入了低谷期。

心境、能量、情绪、思维等等一团糟。

有忧郁症的人就会懂。

别人帮不到我,所以我闭关。

让我静静等它离开,才慢慢爬出去…



随兴随想 |系列|


05 February 2020

心的频道:灰灰·蓝蓝


这次忧郁症的来袭还真累人。

我好像快被击败了。

渐渐无法保持好心情、无法保持正能量。

这几天负能量迅速加值,我越来越低的正能量开始抵抗不住…

开始消极、开始厌世。

暗淡无光,阴阴灰灰的感觉。

好像我是黑暗的中心,被负能量围绕着的黑洞,召唤晦气和霉气。

吞噬消减一切快乐和美好的东西和情绪…



心的频道 |系列


02 February 2020

我是你第三的儿子


妈咪,生日快乐!

妈咪,你认得我吗?

我是你第三的儿子。

没有了头发,你不认得我啊?

妈咪…


妈妈就那样看着视频电话里我的影像,默不作声、没有反应。

因为对她来说,我是个陌生人。

我不知道她逐渐消失的记忆里,还有没有我的点点滴滴?

如果还有的话,是几岁的我的记忆呢?


自己的母亲不再认得自己,是很心酸沮丧的事。

也很无奈无助。

因为什么都不能做来改变这老年痴呆症。

只会越来越糟。


心里很难受。



心语细述 |系列|