1.5 hours

"High confidence on delivery of thermal simulation results next Thursday."

Why oh why did I said that last week?

Probably because I honestly thought I could do it. But life has other idea.

Or I simply am not as efficient or as capable as I thought.

Sigh...

So it's Thursday today, the results delivery day. And nope, I did not delivered. Failed.

Goodness knows I tried. Oh boy how I tried.

Based on my record, the latest overtime streak started on 19th of August. A two days break without working overtime on 23rd and 24th August, then another day on 28th August. Thirteen days of continuous working overtime since 29th of August.

The operative word is 'overtime', everything after the normal working hours, in weekend, public holiday, and sadly even annual leave.

So on 2nd of September, last Wednesday, when I had one week till delivery date, I worked overtime until 21:50 hours. On 3rd of September, I worked until 22:50 hours. 22:41 hours on 4th, then a heavenly 17:31 hours on 5th, until you realised it's a Saturday...

Unease set in when progress was slower than expected on Sunday the 6th, so I worked overtime until 23:11 hours. The stress started to build up, so it's 00:00 midnight on the dot on 7th, then 01:06 hours on 8th of September, Tuesday.

By Wednesday 9th of September, stress is through the roof and on the verge of a panic breakdown. I had to get the model done and set it to solve overnight, for results on Thursday.

So when I resumed work after dinner, at 20:54 hours, I thought to myself, I would probably only be able to go to bed at 04:00 hours. Again, I overestimated my capability and efficiency.

I resumed work on 20:54 hours on Wednesday, I clocked out at 08:12 hours on Thursday. Within that period of time I had a shower, a few bio breaks, and worked. I worked through the night.

Not conducive to my health and wellbeing. I am too old for this kind of shit.

Darn the sense of responsibility, and the crushing stress.

I set the alarm for a three hours rest, thinking to resume work, or start a "new day" work, however you want to see it, around 11:00 hours, and finally hit the bed.

I got out of bed and resumed work at 09:47 hours, after about 1.5 hours of shut eyes. Not sure if that was sleep, rest, or whatever. I got 1.5 hours of shut eyes, is all.

And yes, I worked overtime after dinner today as well, from 20:09 hours to 21:31 hours, and finally called it a day.

I am beyond knackered.

Can't do this anymore, maybe I am no longer suitable for this job?

Other |wretched workaholic| category entries.

Long weekend (7)

Friday evening now, a temporary pause in work. Giving myself a respite, shall resume after dinner.

The past Monday was a public holiday, so last weekend was a three days long weekend.

Usually I will post an entry on the last day of, or on the next day of, the long weekend. However I haven't got a breather for days.

Not counting today, as it hasn't happened yet, six consecutive days of working overtime thus far.

So ya, I had worked through the three days long weekend. Needless to say, a failed long weekend.

The coming weekend is not a long weekend, but will be a sucky one nevertheless, as I will be working through it.

Stressed～

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

Backache

Not unfamiliar with backache. I suffered from backache on and off back when I was still playing badminton regularly, and back when I was in and out of the factory frequently, lifting heavy object, standing for long hours, all that.

Oh, I vividly remember the difficulty and pain getting up from those low stainless steel benches in the gowning room of various factories.

But I haven't had backache for a long while, long enough that I no longer remember when the last time was.

Okay, that could just be my goldfish memory, but anyway, long enough that I naively thought my backache days are over, that I am done with backache.

As if I have that kind of luck. Should have known better, really.

It hit me out of nowhere three days ago, no idea what caused it, I just woke up with this severe backache that getting out of bed itself is an ordeal. This is one of the bad ones. Really bad one.

If a well rested night is crucial for recovery, then I am doubly-screwed, since every movement while laying down sends a sharp pain through the nerve, sleeping is trying. Sleep quality plummeted from the normal low to abysmal.

Today's the third day, and the first time going out in this condition. Bad idea. Very bad idea.

Let's just say that I felt every single bump, bend, brake, acceleration, deceleration, like I never felt before. Pain sensation overload.

Today's outing was a mistake, tomorrow's is inevitable, as I need to send my car to service. No, I do not want the hassle of realigning my leave and reschedule the service.

Just want to be done with it, pain and all.

Other |sane side| category entries.

Long weekend (2)

Another Monday. Another last day of my three days long weekend.

This is the second of the three long weekends this month. One more to come.

This three days long weekend is a solid fail. Instead of rest and relax, I have clocked 11 hours and 24 minutes of overtime work thus far. That amount will likely increase after dinner tonight...

Worked overtime from after lunch to before dinner on both Saturday and Sunday. Solid working hours. Only stopped because had to go pick up kid from tuition and to have dinner out.

And worked past midnight on Saturday. Spared myself on Sunday night, as I was simply too tired.

And too fed up. The discontentment with work has reached too high a level. Frustrated with how the project is managed, the frequent change in direction, resulting in all these overtimes, and still struggled to keep up.

This long weekend is definitely a failure, and despite all the overtime hours, I am still behind. So the pressure is still looming large.

Can already foresee the endless bombardments tomorrow when I resume my online presence. Not looking forward to it. At all.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

累

真不明白，做什么要活得这么累？

周末不是在休息充电，而是马不停蹄的加时工作。

午餐前的片段就不算了，周末两天，午餐到晚餐间是没有停息的工作。然后昨晚再接再厉的做到快凌晨一点。

今晚不知道是不是也会是这样？

只知道我现在非常十分的烦躁不满、怨念很重。

最近开始想着退休的事，很遗憾的只能想想，因为没有能够退休的本钱。

唉～ 命真苦。

活得好累。

心语细述 |系列|

Headache

Woke up with a headache.

No, I did not drink. I do not believe in self-poisoning.

More importantly, I like to have full control over my mind, my thinking.

Headache persisted throughout the day, and got progressively worse.

Very irritable. So all those impromptu meetings, unsolicited calls, additional demands and parachuted tasks, became super annoying. Nerve fraying, really.

By the end of the working hours, of which I worked overtime by about 45 minutes but pretended I didn't, I had to head straight to the bed and be a zombie.

Got up after about 1.5 hours for dinner. Then dish washing. Then throwing the rubbish. Then writing this.

Not a good day.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

三天半长周末

原本是上个周末要拿的假，延迟了一个礼拜，因为要被催命似的赶工出模拟数据。

当然他们又大改了设计，但要数据报告的日期却没有跟着改动，只是更加频密的催工…

嗯，不是要讲那个。言归正传。

上星期五半天假，明天星期一全天假，加上周末一共三天半的假。

今天是星期天，所以至今已过了两天半，我也已经做了两天半的加时工作…

是，就是这么贱。真的是贱到自己都看不起自己。

唉～

我是真的打算今晚不再加时工作了的，然后明天也一整天不工作。这样至少我还有一天是真的休假的。

当然，我的经理明天设了一个蛮重要的会，要谈我们小组近期报告的对应策略和方案。欸，经理，可是你批准了我的假期的哦…

又当然，他国那另一个，好像把我当成是他的下属的那个别人的经理，也设了另一个会议，要谈那每星期会大改至少一次的项目，有关散热的方案。所以需要我的模拟数据。

但我明天休假嘞，你们根本不当我休假是一回事是不是？

当然…

我是真的打算明天不工作的啦。

希望自己明天不要犯贱。

心语细述 |系列|

Of course

Finally completed the thermal model for the major change last week, but of course it cannot run properly.

Some unknown error when reading view factor, can calculate the view factor just fine but when trying to read/write to local hard drive, it just errored out.

Looked up the internet for solution and recommendation. Tried whatever I could but still no dice.

Changed to another radiation model that's more computing resource intensive and suddenly the model has no problem running...

WTF is going on? I have been using the other radiation model for ages, as recent as the previous version of the model last week and it had no problem.

I have no time to debug that, and probably is something beyond my capability anyway, so all I can do now is to use the more computing resource intensive radiation model.

The simulation ran overnight is completed, residuals are good, no divergence and all that. But the temperature is unreasonable high all round. Of course, things cannot just go well for me.

The first thing I checked is the power input. I triple checked and don't see anything wrong with the input. I post-processed the solved case and don't see anything strange with the flow field.

So WTF is wrong with the model? Spent the whole day debugging, and not really getting anywhere.

While I am still cracking my head on this, the team lead informed us there is another major change, the system dimensions are totally different now.

Of course.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

Burning out

This is the fourth consecutive weekend that I am working overtime.

Made infinitely worse as this was supposed to be the weekend that I properly rest, a desperately needed break from work.

I got my annual leaves aligned with my manager in the beginning of the month, half day on the past Friday, and full day on coming Monday, to get myself a 3.5 days long weekend to rest and relax. Absolutely no work.

But on past Friday morning, I had to postpone the leaves by a week, because I knew I had to work overtime this weekend. No thank you to take leave just to be working overtime.

No need to add insult to injury.

So I am dead tired, and extremely fed up.

Soon, there will be nothing left to burn.

Other |wretched workaholic| category entries.

有感而发：贱

连续九天的加时工作，除了吃饭、如厕、和难免的载送做司机任务外，真的就是那睁眼就工作到晚上或凌晨闭眼睡觉的那种。

哦，还有那些要找工作间隙，像人体工程学软件促使的工间休息时间，来完成的家务。因为如情人老婆仔所说的那样，要抱着当作放假在家很有空的大儿子没有在心态。

问题是，这“没有在”的人，我还得照顾他的三餐，洗、晒、收他的衣服… 如果真的是没有在我反而轻松些。

欸，不是要写关于那话题，让我言归正传。

连续九天夙兴夜寐的加时工作，既是周末也一样，来赶出热流模拟的数据。

然后就被一句 “热流模拟数据不对” 给敷衍带过。

勾叉零蛋三角形！你敷衍我，我还不是很在意，因为那是你人品的问题，与我无关；但你说我的热流模拟不对，我就非常的在意，那是对我工作品质的攻击！

请把话说好来，热流模拟数据没有问题，数据显示那设计很有问题我们两位散热工程师一点都不出奇，毕竟我们早已跟你们说过了，你们那设计对散热非常不友好。

你们不相信我们散热工程师说的，硬要数据来支撑我们的意见，现在数据出来了，你就讲这样的屁话？

你过后说设计变了，不是热流模型那设计了。那不是我的热流模拟不对，是你改了原本那烂设计又没有告诉团队，却要抛锅到我头上，勾叉零蛋四角形！于是我把你之前发出来给我做热流模型的 3D图，那你说我模拟数据不对的部分的截图，放在团队的即时通讯群里留个证据。

要攻击我的工作品质，请慎重考虑，那是我必会捍卫的事。

会议里跟你要最新的 3D图来修改或重建我的热流模型，你就推说待会。到了下班时间都没有发给我 3D图。第二天星期六我又加时工作来跟你要 3D图，你依旧说待会。我到了中午就下班了，没理由因为那迟迟都发不出来的 3D图傻傻的等，浪费我的周末。

所以这周末我不算真的有加班到，但因为连续那么多天没日没夜的忙，周末没有在做工我竟然有点不习惯，有点莫名的愧疚感。真是的，工作上遇到贱人也就罢了，为什么自己要这么命贱？

有感而发 |系列|

Stressed

Worked overtime every single day, including two weekends, for the simulation results shared to team today.

Before the simulation results are available, the thermal team (all two of us) already knew that the thermal performance is going to be bad, but the rest of the team would not listen, and would not make changes to improve the design.

So I had to go through the motion of building the thermal model for this badly designed system, ran the simulations, and showed the results to the team.

The bad results are no surprise to the thermal team, if only the rest of the team could have believed us, we would have made better and more efficient progress in system design.

But alas, such is the team, so such is the progress. Waste of my time and effort really, could have been put to better use.

Still the lead is not fully on board, still pushing back on improvement ideas, rejecting some without a thought.

Great, more rounds of this low value simulation just to have the data for "I told you so".

Rather not really, but oh well, such is the team...

Needless stress.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

Never end

Just when I was about to finish with the questionable aesthetic pleasing chassis that is a nightmare for thermal model generation, they change the whole damn thing yet again.

Every single week, a major change that renders whatever I am working on obsolete.

Basically they haven't decided on a firm direction, just randomly throwing out ideas, yet they demand thermal assessment to be done as soon as possible.

And had the cheek to say more changes coming.

What the fish and duck? What's the point of doing an assessment on something you already discarded? Bunch of monkey clowns.

Waste of my time and effort.

I will just wait until you get your mess sorted and decided on something more solid, a proper project direction instead of this sorry state you shamelessly considered defined.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

May

May has arrived.

Well, already the fifth day of May.

Won't say that I have writer's block, more like lack of interesting things to record.

Same old same old.

Efforts and sacrifices mostly taken for granted.

Unfulfillment and dissatisfaction a regular part of life.

Life goes on.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

Three days long weekend

Took today, Monday, off to make a three days long weekend.

I desperately needed a break.

But I didn't get one.

Worked overtime on all three days, including a 02:42 to 04:51 hours bout.

Because that's when the simulations completed, and if I didn't post-process them and set subsequent cases to run, I would lose simulation time where the server and the workstation just sat idle.

And I couldn't sleep anyway.

Health is a total mess now. Constant headache. Horrible quality of sleep. Regular eye pain. Worst ever hemorrhoids. Emotionally deprived. Drained.

Besides sleep deprivation, I have been in constant ache and discomfort for days now. Could really use a lot of tender loving care.

Took annual leave to rest and relax, to release some stress. Got neither.

Only worse.

Absolute mess.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

累·无奈

累。真的好累。

很想过个什么都不做，就只是休息的周末。真的很想。

拿了下星期一的假，虽然有这个月不拿假就要作废了的缘故，但更因为是累。

假是拿了，但已经知道今天晚餐后依然是要工作，而且很大可能三天长周末也是。

希望不需要三天都要加时工作啦…

我真的好累。

好无奈。

心语细述 |系列|

May there be light

This is the third consecutive weekend that I am working overtime.

I am tired of this. Really.

Will next week be the end of this streak?

One can hope.

Other |wretched workaholic| category entries.

Low batt

Tired. Just tired.

Very bad quality of sleep lately.

Is it the mattress? The pillow? Or somehow, the blanket?

Don't know. But the heat wave doesn't help. The recent full moon doesn't help. The stress from workload doesn't help.

Just did three consecutive days of overtime work, including the weekend. In fact, worked hardcore through the weekend from waking up until going to sleep, only significant breaks being the meals.

And still I can't see how I could deliver everything by the end of the week. Stressed.

So, constantly in a low energy, low mood state.

Dry.

Other |sane side| category entries.

Meaningless system, part five

After one month, another visit to the hospital. Third appointment with the nephrologist.

Arrived around 07:40 hours, for the 08:00 hours blood and urine tests. Very familiar with the process now, so self-registration, guarantee letter verification, then went straight to the lab.

No hospital personnel behind the registration counter and in the lab when I arrived. I just took the number from the machine, it said L001 on the slip. Then I found a corner seat and took out my novel.

Didn't noticed when the hospital personnel arrived at their respective places, next thing I knew was my name being called. So I kept my book and approached the lab. I was indeed the first patient.

The nurse at the lab mentioned it's non-fasting blood sample collection, so the nephrologist nurse pulled my leg as she wrote fasting (blood test) in my appointment card. Oh well.

The lab personnel was still as efficient as the previous visit. So thumbs up for them. I was done with blood and urine sample collection in a jiffy and arrived the nephrology clinic around 08:10 hours.

Just waited a short while for my turn to have my weight and blood pressure taken, then I was free to go until the 10:20 hours consultation. At least that's the time written on the appointment card, but for once the meaningless appointment system was sabotaged by itself, as the automated reminder system told me the actual appointment time: 11:20 hours.

Before I left the nephrology clinic, I double-checked the appointment time with the nurses there, asking if it's 11:20 hours (coincidently I didn't brought the appointment card), which they said yes.

I came home to get some work done before returning to the hospital closer to 11:20 hours, even though I was on half day leave. I returned to the hospital and arrived the nephrology clinic around 11:10 hours, brought along the appointment card this time and handed over to the nurses.

I was called around 11:35 hours, a lot less time wasted waiting this time round, since I didn't fell for the fake 10:20 hours appointment time.

After three consultations with two blood and urine tests, the nephrologist confirmed what's known from the medical check up two months ago: that my kidneys are unhealthy, below the average of people my age. Not sure why but the nephrologist made some educated guesses, he did mentioned those were just his guesses, unless we do more tests to verify, which he doesn't think is necessary.

He also thinks it's not necessary to go on medication, and gave generic advices about exercise, healthy diet, watch the blood pressure, that sort of things. Said we keep monitoring and to go see him again in three months time, with the blood and urine tests.

I noticed this time the nurse wrote non-fasting instead of fasting (blood test) in the appointment card, heh.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

Haywire view counter

The view counter for this blog has gone haywire. =(

Since early February, the counter started to show lesser number than the day before on several days.

I can totally understand having 0 view, that nobody visited the blog on that day, but negative view count?

We can unsee things now? And the view counter is aware of that?!?!!

So hard to find, reliable stuff.

Other |hyped up heads up| category entries.

明天开工了…

两天农历新年公假、三天年假、前尾周末四天，一共九天的假期就这样过去了。

我还因为昨天开的长途车和三晚很差的睡眠累得不行，疲倦不堪呢。

明天就要开工了，不要不要不要！

唉～

放了长假应该是充了电，满血状况复工的嘛，我反而是更糟糕的状况。

真的很「显」咯…

随兴随想 |系列|