心的频道：废

好吧，既然你们是那样一个态度，我也可以有我的态度。

你们要那么废，我就跟着废。

看你怎么利用一个废人。

是的，我也懂得怎么躺平摆烂的。

是要不要而已。

心的频道 |系列|

Long weekend (8)

Monday today. Took annual leave so it will not burn by end of September.

So, three days long weekend.

Unsurprisingly, worked Saturday and Sunday, for a total of 8 hours and 38 minutes.

Forced myself to not work today. I am over-stressed, over-worked, and in a depression bout.

And struggling on my own.

But life always got a way to make it worse. Not only did I not get the support I hope to get, I get more stress from the one person who I thought I could rely on.

Failed long weekend. And in my current low energy, depressed state, a failed life that really has nothing to hang on to.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

又怎样？

提早告知无法在预期时间内完成三个同时进行的项目的那第三个项目，需要别人接替，但那又怎样？

结果是老板再空降追加一个十万火急、不切实际的大饼计划。

-----

提早告知模拟数据内部对比用就好，不要去跟客户对比，因为过往的经验得知客户是绝对不会认同的，但那又怎样？

结果是要我去跟客户分享报告，然后当客户开始排山倒海的反对时，没有一个出声，就是让我把模型改成客户要的那样就是了。

真的又何必呢？嫌我太有空是不是？

又不是没有凭我的模拟数据建出来的真品过，有哪一次那真品跟我的模拟不对应的？那么相信客户的模型和他们的数据，我真的也没差，就用他们的数据不就好了吗？

我无所谓，真的。够忙了，不必要这些徒劳无功的消耗。

-----

工作累垮了，那又怎样？

打个哈欠、伸个懒腰，然后还不是继续工作…

加时又加时，昨天加时工作到今天凌晨三点。

周末、假期、拿了年假，那又怎么样？

结果一样是在加时工作。

-----

讲了又讲，需要什么，不需要什么，但那又怎样？

依旧得不到需要的，和承受不需要的。

心语细述 |系列|

FUBAR

So, not only did you not offer help when I raised the bandwidth concern, you now dropped another atomic bomb on top of the burning cesspool!

And claiming you know of my bandwidth situation while doing so.

WTF?!?!

If you want to get rid of me, just come out with it. No need for all these dirty tricks to force me to fail, or force me to quit.

What a pile of crap.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

Treat...?

Diablo IV season 15 had a failed launch. No other way to put it. They broke the Solo Self Found mode among many other things, and only managed to fix it three days after the launch.

So I only started playing the season yesterday. Yup, three days after the launch. And yes, Solo Self Found mode. Of course.

What I have played so far is good, nostalgic trip down the memory lane. So kudos to that. Real shame about the failed launch though.

There is a first for everything. No, I don't mean Blizzard failed launch, that's definitely not a first, some people never learn. I meant binge buying.

Well, maybe it's not binge buying, but it sure is an impulsive urge to spend money in order to make myself feel better, to comfort myself, to treat myself.

Something that's triggered by the negativity, the stress, the hardship, the unpleasantness, that is overshadowing my life. Not sure for how long still.

I spent money getting some cosmetics for Diablo IV season 15. First time ever, and honestly, hopefully the last time as well.

Do I feel like I have treated myself? Ya...

Do I feel good about it? Not really.

Other |flickering fling| category entries.

Hello cave

I suppose it's inevitable, given the long stretch of lousy, shitty days.

Still, the low energy state will make life even harder.

I am over-stressed as it is, this is going to suck. Big time.

Another depression bout has landed.

Hello cave.

Other |hyped up heads up| category entries.

7 hours 7 minutes

Public holiday today, happy 63rd Malaysia Day!

Worked overtime for a total of 7 hours and 7 minutes, so basically it's another working day instead of a holiday to me.

Bollocks to this!

Not a happy bunny. Not at all.

Other |wretched workaholic| category entries.

Seriously

For the love of all things holy and unholy, honestly, at this point, I do not care, enough with the crap!

Come on, give me a break already.

Enough is enough.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

1.5 hours

"High confidence on delivery of thermal simulation results next Thursday."

Why oh why did I said that last week?

Probably because I honestly thought I could do it. But life has other idea.

Or I simply am not as efficient or as capable as I thought.

Sigh...

So it's Thursday today, the results delivery day. And nope, I did not delivered. Failed.

Goodness knows I tried. Oh boy how I tried.

Based on my record, the latest overtime streak started on 19th of August. A two days break without working overtime on 23rd and 24th August, then another day on 28th August. Thirteen days of continuous working overtime since 29th of August.

The operative word is 'overtime', everything after the normal working hours, in weekend, public holiday, and sadly even annual leave.

So on 2nd of September, last Wednesday, when I had one week till delivery date, I worked overtime until 21:50 hours. On 3rd of September, I worked until 22:50 hours. 22:41 hours on 4th, then a heavenly 17:31 hours on 5th, until you realised it's a Saturday...

Unease set in when progress was slower than expected on Sunday the 6th, so I worked overtime until 23:11 hours. The stress started to build up, so it's 00:00 midnight on the dot on 7th, then 01:06 hours on 8th of September, Tuesday.

By Wednesday 9th of September, stress is through the roof and on the verge of a panic breakdown. I had to get the model done and set it to solve overnight, for results on Thursday.

So when I resumed work after dinner, at 20:54 hours, I thought to myself, I would probably only be able to go to bed at 04:00 hours. Again, I overestimated my capability and efficiency.

I resumed work on 20:54 hours on Wednesday, I clocked out at 08:12 hours on Thursday. Within that period of time I had a shower, a few bio breaks, and worked. I worked through the night.

Not conducive to my health and wellbeing. I am too old for this kind of shit.

Darn the sense of responsibility, and the crushing stress.

I set the alarm for a three hours rest, thinking to resume work, or start a "new day" work, however you want to see it, around 11:00 hours, and finally hit the bed.

I got out of bed and resumed work at 09:47 hours, after about 1.5 hours of shut eyes. Not sure if that was sleep, rest, or whatever. I got 1.5 hours of shut eyes, is all.

And yes, I worked overtime after dinner today as well, from 20:09 hours to 21:31 hours, and finally called it a day.

I am beyond knackered.

Can't do this anymore, maybe I am no longer suitable for this job?

Other |wretched workaholic| category entries.

耗尽

连续没有休息日的工作了多少天？

忘了、惯了。

什么都已经耗完、竭尽。

灰，只剩灰。

枯竭。

心语细述 |系列|

Long weekend (7)

Friday evening now, a temporary pause in work. Giving myself a respite, shall resume after dinner.

The past Monday was a public holiday, so last weekend was a three days long weekend.

Usually I will post an entry on the last day of, or on the next day of, the long weekend. However I haven't got a breather for days.

Not counting today, as it hasn't happened yet, six consecutive days of working overtime thus far.

So ya, I had worked through the three days long weekend. Needless to say, a failed long weekend.

The coming weekend is not a long weekend, but will be a sucky one nevertheless, as I will be working through it.

Stressed～

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

三十

（写完已过了凌晨，原本是要二十九日上载。）

情人老婆仔，拍拖三十周年纪念日快乐！<3

三十年…

一起过了很多好时光，当然也不缺坏的时候。

我们还在一起，还是有牵手、有抱抱、有轻吻。

喜欢和情人老婆仔亲吻，但现在几乎都只是蜻蜓点水般的轻吻。

在一起久了，没了激情不出奇，平淡过日子是挺好的。但请不要忘了爱需要经营、呵护、灌溉。

请不要把我的付出、退让、牺牲、妥协，当成理所当然。爱是两个人的事，不能只靠一方努力。

两人同一条船上，要一起往同样的方向划桨，而不是你不顾一切只朝着你要去的方向划桨。要么我就顺着你的方向划，要么就是我下水往我要去的方向游…

你和我的温差，感觉越来越大。很多的初衷已被你自顾自的改变了。

也许爱情里爱对方比爱自己多的总会感到委屈吧？那爱得很卑微的感觉。

心语细述 |系列|

心的频道：第九个

今天星期六，加时工作时查了电子邮箱，发现昨晚十点多，有封电子邮件是公司负责专利的部门发来的。难道…

打开电邮时心情是有点紧张的。

如期望的，是公司要为我有参与的发明概念，申请专利的通知。哦嘢！v^_^

这是我第九个专利申请，上一个是四个月前的事。

虽然这次我不是贡献最大的那一位，毕竟散热只是整个概念的一小部分，但我把自己负责的部分做得妥妥的，所以我心安理得的接受。七个人中有比我贡献更少的人啦，嘿！

第九个。开心，感恩。

再一个，就进入二位数了。期待。

心的频道 |系列|

Long weekend (6)

Tuesday night now, the last few hours of my four days long weekend.

Today's a public holiday, and I took Monday off, hence the four days long weekend.

Worked overtime in two days out of four, and resisted the urge to work in the other two.

Definitely not a win, but didn't totally suck as well.

The backache sucks though.

Got the car serviced. Got the insurance thing sorted. Bought the laptop for wifey. Managed to get to the last chapter of the Diablo IV season 11 journey, or I should say the last rank of season 11, as that's what they are called now. Nope, didn't complete all objectives and challenges within each rank, just focused on the capstone objective. Too bad the capstone objective for the last rank requires players to complete at least 10 objectives or challenges. Hate the grind, so bollocks to the game designers for setting this kind of objective.

Anyway, fairly fruitful weekend.

Expect the coming long weekend to be working overtime through though.

*Sigh...*

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

求包养

我不想奋斗了。求包养。

阿伯级宅男。样貌、身材、金钱，都没有。

我很丑，可是我很温柔。我也很擅长聆听，超喜欢抱抱。

吃小贩、大排档、面包夹煎蛋，就已经很满足。我口味廉价，整天宅在家里，没什么花费的，很容易养。

只是责任心太重，所以也需要包养我的妻子、孩子，和父亲。

感恩。谢谢。

谁来救救我啦～ 我太累了。

不伦不类 |系列|

Backache

Not unfamiliar with backache. I suffered from backache on and off back when I was still playing badminton regularly, and back when I was in and out of the factory frequently, lifting heavy object, standing for long hours, all that.

Oh, I vividly remember the difficulty and pain getting up from those low stainless steel benches in the gowning room of various factories.

But I haven't had backache for a long while, long enough that I no longer remember when the last time was.

Okay, that could just be my goldfish memory, but anyway, long enough that I naively thought my backache days are over, that I am done with backache.

As if I have that kind of luck. Should have known better, really.

It hit me out of nowhere three days ago, no idea what caused it, I just woke up with this severe backache that getting out of bed itself is an ordeal. This is one of the bad ones. Really bad one.

If a well rested night is crucial for recovery, then I am doubly-screwed, since every movement while laying down sends a sharp pain through the nerve, sleeping is trying. Sleep quality plummeted from the normal low to abysmal.

Today's the third day, and the first time going out in this condition. Bad idea. Very bad idea.

Let's just say that I felt every single bump, bend, brake, acceleration, deceleration, like I never felt before. Pain sensation overload.

Today's outing was a mistake, tomorrow's is inevitable, as I need to send my car to service. No, I do not want the hassle of realigning my leave and reschedule the service.

Just want to be done with it, pain and all.

Other |sane side| category entries.

Long weekend (5)

As the blog title implied, had another three days long weekend. Took Monday off.

Again, it's neither a win nor a fail. Could have been better, could have been worse.

Pretty much the same like the previous weekend: still sick, still constant stuffiness and discomfort, didn't worked overtime (not counting the less than one hour foray), and coincidently also had visitors and went to the same place for dinner.

Actually, eerily similar to the previous weekend...

*cue spooky music*

Anyway, still a few more long weekends to come. In fact, I won't be working on any Monday in August.

If all goes as planned, that is. Since even though I have aligned with my manager to take leave on all Mondays in August, the workload has other ideas.

So yes I might be on leave, but I might also be working overtime while on leave.

Happened way too many times. Sad, I know.

Well, can still hope.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

Losing it

The following definitions are from Wiktionary, searched as of today.

Dementia, noun, (pathology) a progressive decline in cognitive function due to damage or disease in the brain beyond what might be expected rom normal aging. Areas particularly affected include memory, attention, judgement, language and problem solving.

Alzheimer's disease, noun, (neurology, pathology) a disorder involving loss of mental functions resulting from brain tissue changes.

-----

Many years ago, I took the time and effort to learn how to solve the Rubik's Cube.

Granted, I learned only the beginner's method, so it's not for speed, but just for being able to solve it.

I put in the time and effort, and for a few years after that, the skill stayed with me, so I thought it's something that will stay for life, like how to ride a bicycle. Learned once, skill gained forever.

But I was wrong, for I have lost the skill. Retained neither the muscle memory nor the brain memory.

Sad, for the lost in memory, the skill, and the effort.

Other |vibrant vocabularies| category entries.

灰

嗯，凌晨已过，所以不再是今天，而是昨天的事了。

昨天，天灰灰。下了一整天的雨。

早上一直到傍晚，长命大雨逐渐转小。究竟几点雨停，或者有没有停，我不知道，因为傍晚下班后我关了窗帘。

有阳光，但乌云全胜的密布，整个白天都没见到太阳。

就只有阴天，一片灰。

下雨也好，可以缓解邻国每年都要制造的烟霾。有些人就是可以这么自私，不在乎对环境的污染。

这个雨天，没有浪漫，就只是阴暗，和凉。

天灰气凉，心也灰凉。

最近常常想退休的事。我真的累了。

现实是，最少也还得挨多六年。那是如果孩子们一切顺利，大学毕业就可以自立自供的话。

我还真的怀疑过，自己是不是还能撑多六年？

健康太糟糕了。整个人废了的感觉。

已经病了十五天，还是不能痊愈。

灰，很灰。

心语细述 |系列|

Long weekend (4)

Another Monday. Another last day of three days long weekend.

Neither a win nor a fail this time. On the fence.

Still sick, at around 50% to 60% these few days. That stuffy feeling. Phlegm that couldn't be coughed or blew out, yet enough to cause discomfort. Nose and throat annoyingly partially unclear, just enough to be irritable.

Didn't worked overtime. No, that less than one hour wasn't counted. That's just how it is.

Managed to get some real progress on my Diablo IV season journey, albeit it's by giving up on the previous character and restarted a new one to do the boring rushed playstyle.

So ya, it's a neither good nor bad long weekend. Could have been better, also could have been worse.

Hope the next one is better.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

病夫

终于熬到星期五。还活着。感恩。

八月至今，七天。病足七天。

八月一日开始生病，第二天全日死尸般在床上度过。

第三天开始渐渐比较像活人，但就是不能完全痊愈。

如果老天是要告诉我，这八月也将会是个烂透的月份，我收到、明白了。

真的，毋庸置疑，我完全理解了。不必再让我病下去。

我都没有期望八月会比七月好…

贱命一条。

随兴随想 |系列|

Long weekend (3)

Another Monday. Another last day of my long weekend.

But this time, it's a four days long weekend. Took Friday and Monday off.

Would have added a "yay!" at the end of the last paragraph, if it had gone as planned. You know, the rest and relax, chill long weekend.

But alas, it's a big fail.

Not the usual worked overtime through weekend that kind of fail. But the sick throughout the long weekend that kind of fail.

Friday at half hit point, deteriorating. Saturday was half dead. Sunday was bedridden the whole day, fully dead to the world. And today, Monday, was quarter dead.

No, this is not rest and relax, this is recovering. They are different.

So ya, failed long weekend. Hope the next will be better.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

有感而发：离

今天是 My FM DJ 颜薇恩在电台工作的最后一天，告别她二十二年的广播生涯。

我开始工作至今，早上上班路上总有她的声音陪伴。

想到以后上班途上不会再听到她的声音了，还真的有点感伤。

那习惯了的声音，常常让我微笑，甚至笑出来的声音。

唉～

曲终人散。

有感而发 |系列|

雨

大雨，不停的下。

气温凉到，关了风扇好一阵。

天气冷，心里也只有残喘微弱的火苗。

蜡烛两头烧，耗尽了对任何事物的热忱和动力。

多日累积的疲惫，搞得精神很散漫、效率很低。

没有温度的世界，反映我愤世嫉俗的心境。

随兴随想 |系列|

Long weekend postponed

Monday today, not on leave.

Initial plan was three consecutive three days long weekends, made up from a public holiday and two annual leaves on consecutive Mondays.

Broke that streak today, because when I was on the third day of my latest working overtime streak last Thursday, I knew from the workload and progress then that I would be working straight through the weekend, and most likely into the early of this week.

So I postponed the annual leave today to this coming Friday, the last day of July, after which my annual leave would be forfeited.

Really do not want to be working when I am on leave, whenever possible. Not always possible, but I gotta try my best.

I worked overtime a total of 20 hours and 9 minutes this past weekend. Two days, twenty hours.

Coincidently, that was the total overtime hours I did in February this year, down to the minute. What are the odds?

I am beyond burned out.

Other |wretched workaholic| category entries.

没日没夜

星期天凌晨十二点半，几分钟前刚下班。

不是工作做完了，就只是太累了，无法再继续。

星期六的加时工作，应该有做了九个小时左右。几乎就是吃饭、上厕所、载送孩子以外的时间。

待会睡醒后又重复…

这是连续加时工作的第五天。

好累、好累。

这份工，唉～

心语细述 |系列|

Long weekend (2)

Another Monday. Another last day of my three days long weekend.

This is the second of the three long weekends this month. One more to come.

This three days long weekend is a solid fail. Instead of rest and relax, I have clocked 11 hours and 24 minutes of overtime work thus far. That amount will likely increase after dinner tonight...

Worked overtime from after lunch to before dinner on both Saturday and Sunday. Solid working hours. Only stopped because had to go pick up kid from tuition and to have dinner out.

And worked past midnight on Saturday. Spared myself on Sunday night, as I was simply too tired.

And too fed up. The discontentment with work has reached too high a level. Frustrated with how the project is managed, the frequent change in direction, resulting in all these overtimes, and still struggled to keep up.

This long weekend is definitely a failure, and despite all the overtime hours, I am still behind. So the pressure is still looming large.

Can already foresee the endless bombardments tomorrow when I resume my online presence. Not looking forward to it. At all.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

累

真不明白，做什么要活得这么累？

周末不是在休息充电，而是马不停蹄的加时工作。

午餐前的片段就不算了，周末两天，午餐到晚餐间是没有停息的工作。然后昨晚再接再厉的做到快凌晨一点。

今晚不知道是不是也会是这样？

只知道我现在非常十分的烦躁不满、怨念很重。

最近开始想着退休的事，很遗憾的只能想想，因为没有能够退休的本钱。

唉～ 命真苦。

活得好累。

心语细述 |系列|

Headache

Woke up with a headache.

No, I did not drink. I do not believe in self-poisoning.

More importantly, I like to have full control over my mind, my thinking.

Headache persisted throughout the day, and got progressively worse.

Very irritable. So all those impromptu meetings, unsolicited calls, additional demands and parachuted tasks, became super annoying. Nerve fraying, really.

By the end of the working hours, of which I worked overtime by about 45 minutes but pretended I didn't, I had to head straight to the bed and be a zombie.

Got up after about 1.5 hours for dinner. Then dish washing. Then throwing the rubbish. Then writing this.

Not a good day.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

Long weekend (1)

Monday today, last day of my three days long weekend. Resuming work tomorrow.

This is the first of the three long weekends this month. Two more three days long weekends in subsequent weeks.

I will rate myself successful for this long weekend. Only did about half an hour of overtime, which I considered as does not count.

Yes, kind of lying to myself but that's just how it is.

Spent the long weekend mainly catching up on my gaming, and napped more than usual.

Though game progress is a lot slower than I hope, I try not to stress about it. Defeats the purpose of gaming otherwise.

Can't say I am well-rested, because I am still constantly tired, and the headache still lingers. Subtlety, but there nonetheless.

Oh well, work resumes tomorrow. Too bad.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

又一季

今天看了《奔跑吧》第十四季的最后一集，还是暖暖的收官。

希望年尾会有特别篇啦。

一开始是韩国的 Running Man，然后是中国的《奔跑吧兄弟》，然后改称的《奔跑吧》，到最近的泰国版 Running Man，我都看了。而且如果没有什么特别原因，我都打算继续看下去。

喜欢综艺，因为看了、笑了，就足够了。就是消遣娱乐嘛。看看、笑笑、轻松一下。

那些偶尔会看到的美丽风景、新地点的介绍、突如其来的感动，都是额外附加的福利。

希望一直都会有这样的综艺节目啦。

随兴随想 |系列|