温柔体贴

羡慕那些情人老婆仔用客气有礼、面带笑容、欢喜快乐的语气对话的人。

应该就是我以外的其他全部人吧？也许惹怒她时的大瓜也是例外…

讲了很多次，但我始终还是不配那样的对待，而只有专属给我的烦躁不悦、粗声劣语、不耐烦的语气。

不知道究竟应该怎么做，我才可以获得她对其他人讲话时的态度和语气？

就是不能对我好声好气的吗？为什么总把最差的留给我，最好的给别人？我就只有做出气筒的份吗？

我也需要关怀，和你的温柔体贴的啊…

心语细述 |系列|

Lost

Weekend used to be the time to visit mommi, hoping it was the day she would remember me, recognise me.

Her Alzheimer's won every time, so I had to settle with watching her interaction with wifey, whom she could recognise, and got some solace from that.

It was a surprise to me when she showed interest in Cocoa when wifey showed her the photos, that was a bright moment.

No more. She has gone to a better place now.

There are things in her passing that I was helpless of, but I can choose my own grieving process.

Now that the cremation and sending off are done, as well as the relatives and siblings have left, I can start my grieving process in earnest.

I am surprised by the disapproval from wifey on my choice.

Other |sane side| category entries.

Low

Low energy, low mood, low motivation, low productivity.

It's a low period in my life.

Just don't feel like doing anything.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

环游世界

昨天是妈咪的火化仪式，也是外国回来的兄弟、他州来的亲家家人和亲戚朋友见妈咪最后一面的机会。

从一早去医院领遗体到准备好遗体的过程比预期的顺利，加上亲戚和亲家家人也都早到，又没有意料会有同事或朋友出席火化仪式，所以一切仪式都比预定的早开始和结束。

火化仪式刚结束时有人通知我有位朋友刚到，那是我意料之外的事，没有意料会有同事或朋友出席所以仪式提前开始我也没有通知。抱歉！感谢你有心。

过后和亲戚和亲家家人一同吃午餐，感谢大家从各地过来看妈咪最后一面。

今天一早去领骨灰，包装好了就到预定好的地方坐船出海撒骨灰，让妈咪随着连接全球的海洋环游世界。

我会晕船，但我是负责驾车的人，所以我没有跟着出海，就在岸边目送妈咪最后一程。

妈咪，放心去环游世界吧！我们会好好的。

以后再和你天国相聚。

心语细述 |系列|

有心

同事、朋友们，随父亲的意愿，没有丧礼、没有守丧，就是会有个火化仪式，然后家人会把骨灰撒在海里，让母亲环游世界。

要见最后一面的可以在火化仪式前，我的兄弟和亲戚就是在那时见母亲最后一面的。

白金不能道谢，所以在此回句：有心。

心语细述 |系列|

安息吧，妈咪

二零二三年五月十五，妈咪走了，享寿七十二。

妈咪，你走得很突然，医生说早上都还好好的，你中午就离开了。

我们都知道这是必然会发生的事，但就是太突然了，昨天都还在讨论出院的事…

翻开盖着你的白布，把手放在你的额头，那应该是我这一生最后一次触摸你了。那时心里和你讲的话，你可有听到？

过后茹到了，我和她一起再去看你，那时心里和你讲的话，你是否有听到？原谅我，那时我撑不下去了，所以过后让茹独自和你在一起，我就在隔帘的外面，茹的哭泣我都听到了。我的，应该只有我自己听到…

妈咪，悲伤是因为失去了你，但我们都知道你解脱了，终于摆脱了每况愈下的生活素质，你去没有病痛、更好的地方了。

遗憾的是你已经不能认得我了，我是你第三的儿子，每次见你我都会一直重复这句话，你那看陌生人的眼神是我很无助的悲痛。幸运的你还能认得茹，我只能希望你和茹的交流互动会让你想起茹是我的妻子，你第三儿子的妻子，会间接的让你记得我，你第三的儿子…

安息吧，妈咪，我们都好好的。你把我们都教养得好好的，我们四兄弟都大学毕业，各自成家就业，都过得不缺。不用担心，我们会照顾爸比的。

感谢你给的一切。

心语细述 |系列|

心累

一个不懂事却又自以为是的孩子，可以令整个家庭鸡犬不宁。

那错误臭烂的态度不改，家里永远不会有安宁。

一个人，破坏整个家。

没有救了，这孩子。

心好累。

随兴随想 |系列|

Is it time?

Am I indispensable to the company? Highly unlikely, I am just a lowly peon.

There are others in the company who do similar job, it's a big company after all.

The only thing going for me is that I am in a low pay country, I am cheap labour compared to colleagues in the other countries. It's not something to be proud of, just sad fact of life.

Anyway, no one is indispensable, we are all replaceable.

It's a no brainer when it comes down to choosing to save one's own job or that of the other. It's simply self-preservation.

I don't know what will be the outcome, have to wait until late June to know if I am one of those being selected for involuntary separation.

The question is, whether I should start looking for job elsewhere?

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

如果…

如果你的同学、朋友或认识你的人说你是:

自大自我的，
没责任感的，
满口粗话的，
没有礼貌的，
虚伪假面的，
没有信用的，
自以为是的，
没有教养的，
脾气暴躁的，
没有实力的，
言而无信的，
不尊师敬老的，
夸口说大话的，
手脚不干净的，
不老实讲骗话的…

儿子，那不是毁谤，那是看清、看透了你而已。

拜托你要清醒了，不要再执迷不悔。要知错能改，不要再找借口耍赖了。

错了就认，诚心道歉后真心悔改，不要自以为是的一错再错。

心语细述 |系列|

Demotivated

The all company meeting is projecting one message, while my department is doing quite the opposite, prime example of what I called "the management talk".

To reduce cost, company asked the employees to volunteer for pay cut, saying one of the main reasons for the pay cut is to save jobs, so company does not have to let go its employees. As someone who could only have any saving when there is bonus, with the monthly salary barely covering the living cost, I couldn't in good conscience bring myself to accept so I let it defaulted to accept instead.

Anyway it's all for nothing. My department is asking for voluntary separation again, and if the volunteer count does not meet target, there will be involuntary separation. Yes, the company is going to let go its employees, so much for the main reason of voluntary pay cut.

When the pay cut started and the pinch on living cost felt, it's already a great blow to morale. Now this double whammy.

Totally demotivated, demoralized.

Other |sane side| category entries.

自祝

五月一号劳动节，祝自己劳动节快乐！

辛苦了。

很多的辛酸劳苦只有自己懂，也只能自己撑。

真的，辛苦了。

好好的慰劳自己吧。

心语细述 |系列|