The locked folder

I was clearing one of my oldest private e-mail accounts, something I haven't been doing for many months. Good thing pretty much nobody sends me e-mail to that account anymore.

Mostly just notices from various service providers, game companies, Facebook, Blogger, and of course the inevitable spams.

After clearing the inbox, I moved the e-mails I wanted to keep to my archive folder, and that's when I noticed I have a folder called 'locked'.

Why oh why did I not just log out after clearing the inbox?

Why did I have to click and checked out that folder?

It's really a folder that should remained locked. I read a few e-mails in it and the emotional flood gate just got thrown wide open.

Overwhelmed.

"Some experiences change us forever, we are never the same after." I wrote that, after saying I would have been a much different person if I didn't go through those postgraduate years. For that was the time when I finally could no longer hold on to my belief in 'truth, goodness, and beauty'. That was the time when I lost faith in human beings, and in myself.

Yes, I would have been more like my undergraduate self if it wasn't for those experiences. And yes, I think my undergraduate self is a better me.

The 'locked' folder contains the e-mail exchanges of a person who was a part of those  experiences. I wanted to say 'harrowing experiences', perhaps it's indeed an appropriate adjective, but I guess I am mature or seasoned enough now to also see them as important life lessons.

Reading a few of the e-mails in that folder brought back those memories.

And of all things, the thing that came to my mind was the promise I made about dedication if I ever published a book. The dedication in my first book, if there ever is one.

Dammit, what's wrong with me?!!?!