Untitled

Other |gross graffiti| category entries.

Hello cave

Hello cave, can't say I am surprised given the things I have been through lately.

All those stresses, disappointments, grieves and discontents building up, accumulating, compounding, with no relief despite my repeated mention of distress, my plea for changes. It's just a matter of time.

It's strange to admit this, but this time, I am kind of glad.

The isolation, the solitude, the low energy level, the lethargy, the listlessness, the numbing... Some how, they feel "right". Feeling less is a kind of self-preservation.

Of course I have those dark thoughts of ending it, of how I would do it. Wondering what it would feel like jumping off, whether I would regret while falling. Yea, those thoughts.

Not the first time, but still too coward to do it.

Thought about whether there is anything still worth holding on for, and could think of nothing. Wonder too what would be in my obituary, and whether there would be regret of never caring what I said, never taken my words seriously. Well, never caring really. But then I realised it doesn't matter, all that would be beyond me. I would simply cease to be and nothing matters anymore.

I know, predominantly dark and negative thoughts, the pessimistic perspective, all that. I know, I am no stranger to depression.

This time, I sort of welcome it. So hello cave, is this... it?

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

黯淡沉默

心委屈久了，所以累了。

心疲惫了，所以黯淡了、冷却了。

所以沉默了。

自我保护的围墙出现了，隔绝失望和伤害。

让枯萎的心喘息。

一再重复的情节事故，何苦呢？

或许，我就应该是独处的。

心语细述 |系列|

存在感

常觉得，我，是独自的存在。

是同住在一个家里的陌生人。

只是需要我每个月赚钱养家，其它的我可以不存在。

反正也没有人在乎我说的、想的、在乎的，和我的存在。

话，说了也是白讲，和自言自语没有什么差别，都只有我自己听。

我的存在和不存在，对家里的其他人来说没有什么差异。应该就是要费点力忽略漠视和什么都不必做的不同。

是的，我就是这么没有存在感的存在着。

心语细述 |系列|

I went out (11)

Since the previous entry of this series, I was out of the house ten times, so my total out of the house count stands at 63 as of today.

54th outing: went out to do chauffeur duty for kid's archery practise on 20th of March.

55th outing: went out to do chauffeur duty for kid's archery practise on 21st of March.

56th outing: went to office on 26th of March primarily to use up the meal subsidy, called into two meetings while there. Took the opportunity to buy lunch home from Batu Lanchang market.

57th outing: went out to do chauffeur duty for kid's archery practise on 27th of March.

58th outing: went to office on 1st of April to work in the lab.

59th outing: went out to do chauffeur duty for kid's archery practise on 11th of April.

60th outing: went out on 18th of April to takeaway dinner and to drive the car around for a bit to keep the battery healthy.

61st outing: went out to do chauffeur duty for kid's archery practise on 24th of April.

62nd outing: went out on 9th of May to drive the car around for a bit to keep the battery healthy.

63rd outing: went out on 26th of May, intended to drive the car around to keep the battery healthy, but the battery was already flat. Bollocks. Jump-started the car and proceeded to drive around, took the opportunity to buy lunch home.

Guess my plan of a drive every fortnight to keep the car battery healthy is not working, probably because I tend to slip and ended up driving closer to once every three weeks instead of two... Have to shorten the time in between drives and be vigilant about it.

Anyway, as of 26th of May 2021, 436 days have past since the beginning of Movement Control Order on 18th of March in 2020. I have been out of the house 63 times in 62 weeks, so 1.02 times per week on average, or about once every 6.9 days.

Here are the main reasons I went out:
- drive around to keep car battery healthy: 11
- work at office: 22
- bank: 1
- grocery: 1
- pick up takeaway meal: 9
- dine in restaurant: 1
- clinic: 2
- customer service: 1
- car service: 2
- pet shop: 1
- chauffeur duty: 10
- law firm: 2

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

蟒蛇射箭

公司有免费的课程给员工的孩子学些简单的 Python 程式设计，我为孩子报了名。

过去的五个星期天，两个瓜都有上这 Python 程式设计的网课，应该是算有兴趣吧。

这星期天将会是最后一堂课了，老师给了学生们一份功课，要他们这星期天呈现他们设计的一个程式，主要是要看他们学到了些什么。

因为需要通知老师程式设计的题目，我便问大瓜他的计划，他说他要写个骰子的程式。

我问他会不会太简单了点？提议他想想怎么用那骰子的数字做些有趣的东西，可以互动的东西。看他不是很有兴致，我就自己想了想。

整理了思维后我建议他把骰子那随机的概念放进简单的游戏里，用他熟悉的射箭场景做游戏的背景。

三支箭，在随机的风向情况下，让玩家选择要瞄准的方向，风向和射箭方向的各种配合会有不同的得分，得分也是在适合的范围内随机选择。

把概念和基本程式设计的逻辑告诉他后，他觉得可行便开始设计他的程式。我也纯粹好奇看了看那些网课的资料，下载了课程用的软件开始设计那个射箭的游戏。

结果一个不小心就完成了，还真的有点意外，和佩服自己，呵呵！毕竟我就是看了看那些教材自学，和上网搜了搜教材里没有解释的而已。可能网课里有解释啦，不过我没有陪着他们一起上网课嘛。

哎哟，不错哦！一个晚上那几个小时就完成了一个简单的程式设计游戏，蛮有成就感的。

随兴随想 |系列|

Flying Snowball

After months of not biting me, something the younger son was rather jealous of, Snowball did it again a few nights ago.

Well, Snowball still tries to bite me when he's in a bitey mood, but usually after I dodged his attempt once or twice he would resign to just running away to hide, while I try to caress him.

When he's in a good mood though, he would stay still and let me caress his head, which he enjoys. Well, I assume he enjoys it since he would close his eyes as if he's content.

Anyway, the night he bit me, he drew blood and by natural reaction I withdrew my hand. His teeth were in deep so ended up he hung on to my finger for a while before he let go, causing him to go flying from the momentum of my hand withdrawal.

This time he didn't landed on the shaving of either of his containers, no soft landing on shaving but a hard landing on the floor tile, with an alarming flesh hitting floor sound.

Hamsters must be tough animal, because that 1 to 1.5 metres in height drop didn't do any apparent damage, but did gave Snowball a shock and he immediately played dead.

Good thing he played dead, because he was on the floor, unbounded territory, and hamster can run very fast.

I quickly got wifey to help while I put up cardboard fences surrounding him. When he stopped playing dead, which was always shortly after he starts playing dead since he is deaf and can't see very well and thinks the coast is clear, wifey managed to get him into a milk bottle we regularly use to relocate him, and he was back in his containers roaming happily like nothing had happened.

So ya, Snowball went flying again, his highest thus far.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.