Hello cave

Hello cave, can't say I am surprised given the things I have been through lately.

All those stresses, disappointments, grieves and discontents building up, accumulating, compounding, with no relief despite my repeated mention of distress, my plea for changes. It's just a matter of time.

It's strange to admit this, but this time, I am kind of glad.

The isolation, the solitude, the low energy level, the lethargy, the listlessness, the numbing... Some how, they feel "right". Feeling less is a kind of self-preservation.

Of course I have those dark thoughts of ending it, of how I would do it. Wondering what it would feel like jumping off, whether I would regret while falling. Yea, those thoughts.

Not the first time, but still too coward to do it.

Thought about whether there is anything still worth holding on for, and could think of nothing. Wonder too what would be in my obituary, and whether there would be regret of never caring what I said, never taken my words seriously. Well, never caring really. But then I realised it doesn't matter, all that would be beyond me. I would simply cease to be and nothing matters anymore.

I know, predominantly dark and negative thoughts, the pessimistic perspective, all that. I know, I am no stranger to depression.

This time, I sort of welcome it. So hello cave, is this... it?

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