Thoughts from replying to a comment

This is the "longer version" of my reply to a comment in the previous entry.

The thoughts came and I kept writing until I found it too long to be a reply for the comment, so I saved it as another entry instead.

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Thanks for the offer GP, much appreciated.

But no, I don't feel comfortable opening up to just anyone.

Actually, I am a deeply private person, at least that's how I perceived myself.

It may come as a surprise since I share a lot of things openly online, but there are things that are just too personal to share with everyone.

The level of trust needed to expose the vulnerability and inner emotional layer of oneself to another soul is substantial, and it has to be built over time, mutually.

It's my own fault that I have pretty much stopped putting in effort in connecting with my friends in that way. Probably because I feel that mutual trust becomes harder as we get older. Unlike when we were younger, when motives were simpler, purer, less tainted.

Oh, I do care, I just no longer care as much as I used to, and I give up caring easily nowadays.

Perhaps it's just me getting sinister and less trusting as I accumulated life experiences. Or perhaps it's the painful experience of getting hurt deeply by trusting and caring for those who took advantage of me in return.

The effect was profound.

Perhaps it's simply because we get more and more commitments and responsibilities as we age, and we no longer devote our time to build and maintain a deep level of caring, sharing, trust, and communication that resulted in a relationship with someone or someones who we can just bare our soul. You know, soul mates.

I have to admit I find it uncomfortable to talk about sentiments, emotions, feelings, to a guy. Maybe it's a masculine thing, guys don't talk about such things to another guy. Or maybe because I find women to be better listeners, they are more empathetic and emotionally sensitive so they can resonate with my sentiments or feelings.

When I am pouring my heart out, the last thing I want is to hit a brick wall with someone who simply doesn't get what I am talking about, or worse still, make fun of me. I'd rather just keep it to myself so I think I have built walls around my inner sanctum.

Forgive me if I have ever turned down your act of caring, I am just so used to my cocoon now.

Say, where to get a soul mate, eBay?