I, Pastor

Warning: this entry contains a mixture of English, Mandarin, Hokkien, Cantonese, Malay, Manglish, and probably some other languages or terms I simply made up.

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Received an e-mail today about wedding plan for a friend, most likely just a joke since according to the plan, I am requested by the bride-to-be to be their pastor.

Mua? Pastor? 0_o

Fine, ask and thou shall receive! (Can ah? Sounds like real pastor or not?)

But since I am not a Christian or have the authority to perform solemnisation of matrimony, what you receive may not be what you asked for. =P

After I think think a bit, this is likely what I am going to say...

- to address the audience and get things started when couple arrived, or when the bride-to-be's father handed over the daughter, depends on what the couple have in mind:

"Oi, sit down and diam lar! I talk now you all listen. Be good or else I shoot anyone who makes noise."

Think I should cock the shotgun at this point but will check what the bride-to-be thinks, maybe she wants to do it herself. I am flexible. *shrug*

- after everyone have behaved themselves:

"Okay, so hor, we all here because kena red bomb, sipeh boh huat. Since I so veli the nice I no make you suffer more, I skip all the rubbish talk about love and relationship that nobody listens to anyway and go straight to the point. Sui boh? Well, if you don’t like this you can leave, if you beh siok and make noise I shoot you."

- after all the cheering or booing and any necessary shooting, I will look at the groom and ask:

"So, you lub her (point to the bride)? If you say no I shoot you."

- depending on whether I have to shoot the groom, if yes, end of story. If not, look at the bride and ask:

"So, you lub him (point to the groom)? If you say no I can sao gong go home now."

- depending on whether I can go home liao or not, if yes, end of story. If not, continue lor:

"Okay, rings leh? Quick quick give each other, everyone waiting to see the kiss and for the food nia. But hor, don’t kan jiong until cannot put on lar, waste even more time like that."

- after the wedding band exchange:

"Okay, now hor, anyone wants to object ah, wants to do runaway bride or groom ah, wants to come and grab the en tao ba or siao cha bo ah, quick quick do now before I go next step. Don't worry I won't shoot anyone for doing any of the above. But hor, no guarantee what the bride will do lar."

- depending on what happen then, maybe end of story. If not, continue lor:

"Okay, finally reach this part, sui! Always wanted to say this. By the power and authority I saja say I have, I pronounce you ang and bo! You may kiss the bride. Oi audience, clap hands and cheer lar, else I shoot you!"

- after all the hoo-ha and any necessary shooting:

"Bride and groom now go make babies. Don't play play one! The rest, kia jiak!"

I think this is going to be one memorable solemnisation, if I say so myself. =P