罪加一等

无薪加时工作，是很对不起自己的事，是很贱的罪过。

在公众假期无薪加时工作，罪加一等！

是，我贱、我罪过。

更多的是，我非常十分无奈。

随兴随想 |系列|

有感而发：贱

连续九天的加时工作，除了吃饭、如厕、和难免的载送做司机任务外，真的就是那睁眼就工作到晚上或凌晨闭眼睡觉的那种。

哦，还有那些要找工作间隙，像人体工程学软件促使的工间休息时间，来完成的家务。因为如情人老婆仔所说的那样，要抱着当作放假在家很有空的大儿子没有在心态。

问题是，这“没有在”的人，我还得照顾他的三餐，洗、晒、收他的衣服… 如果真的是没有在我反而轻松些。

欸，不是要写关于那话题，让我言归正传。

连续九天夙兴夜寐的加时工作，既是周末也一样，来赶出热流模拟的数据。

然后就被一句 “热流模拟数据不对” 给敷衍带过。

勾叉零蛋三角形！你敷衍我，我还不是很在意，因为那是你人品的问题，与我无关；但你说我的热流模拟不对，我就非常的在意，那是对我工作品质的攻击！

请把话说好来，热流模拟数据没有问题，数据显示那设计很有问题我们两位散热工程师一点都不出奇，毕竟我们早已跟你们说过了，你们那设计对散热非常不友好。

你们不相信我们散热工程师说的，硬要数据来支撑我们的意见，现在数据出来了，你就讲这样的屁话？

你过后说设计变了，不是热流模型那设计了。那不是我的热流模拟不对，是你改了原本那烂设计又没有告诉团队，却要抛锅到我头上，勾叉零蛋四角形！于是我把你之前发出来给我做热流模型的 3D图，那你说我模拟数据不对的部分的截图，放在团队的即时通讯群里留个证据。

要攻击我的工作品质，请慎重考虑，那是我必会捍卫的事。

会议里跟你要最新的 3D图来修改或重建我的热流模型，你就推说待会。到了下班时间都没有发给我 3D图。第二天星期六我又加时工作来跟你要 3D图，你依旧说待会。我到了中午就下班了，没理由因为那迟迟都发不出来的 3D图傻傻的等，浪费我的周末。

所以这周末我不算真的有加班到，但因为连续那么多天没日没夜的忙，周末没有在做工我竟然有点不习惯，有点莫名的愧疚感。真是的，工作上遇到贱人也就罢了，为什么自己要这么命贱？

有感而发 |系列|

Stressed

Worked overtime every single day, including two weekends, for the simulation results shared to team today.

Before the simulation results are available, the thermal team (all two of us) already knew that the thermal performance is going to be bad, but the rest of the team would not listen, and would not make changes to improve the design.

So I had to go through the motion of building the thermal model for this badly designed system, ran the simulations, and showed the results to the team.

The bad results are no surprise to the thermal team, if only the rest of the team could have believed us, we would have made better and more efficient progress in system design.

But alas, such is the team, so such is the progress. Waste of my time and effort really, could have been put to better use.

Still the lead is not fully on board, still pushing back on improvement ideas, rejecting some without a thought.

Great, more rounds of this low value simulation just to have the data for "I told you so".

Rather not really, but oh well, such is the team...

Needless stress.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

二十年

小天使，二十年了…
你和奶奶在天国可好？
希望是那样

你那总要人操心的大弟弟大学先修班重考了一次后可以进大学了
成绩单里没有一科优级，虽没有期望，但还是有点失望
看来他还是那样的态度…

还没有收入的他很舍得花了五百多块的生活费买个鼠标
因为要玩电脑游戏用
唉～

等待大学开学这几周他回到家里
妈妈劝我说就当作他不在，省点心
看来也只能那样，毕竟我很忙、很烦

妈妈不在家
跟公司在他州开会和晚宴，然后出国旅游
下星期五才会回来

妈妈不在，爸爸没有人可以依靠
没有抱抱、没有寄托
烦恼压力都只有自己撑

你要看护着妈妈哦
让她玩得开开心心
安全的归来

想着你，小天使…

心语细述 |系列|

Tough days ahead

Project management is a mess, things changed on a daily basis and yet the deadline for thermal assessment is two days.

I said I need two weeks, and they said two days, simply because they want something to report out this coming Friday.

Too bad then, should have managed the project better. Can't even have the project properly defined, still making changes today. The dimensions today are totally different to yesterday's, so I guess they would ask for one day thermal model generation, simulation and assessment if I asked today.

I didn't bother. There is no point when working with this kind of people.

I am doing my best, did overtime yesterday, and going to work overtime after dinner tonight. But I am not miracle worker, the thermal model will not be ready, let alone thermal simulation.

What's really going to make it tough though, is that wifey is going on a trip, so I am losing my wellbeing support.

Going to be stressful these coming days. I am already dreading it.

Other |hyped up heads up| category entries.

Small, meaningful

Supposed to meet up with some colleague friends last week.

I was preparing for it since Monday, looked up the location, identified the routes (two, one as back up just in case), located a nearby coffee shop that I can spend time in as I planned to arrive early to avoid the rush hour traffic.

I was prepared, but then headache struck on the day. The kind that rendered me zombie-like on the bed, dead to the world.

So I missed it. Bollocks.

Today, there was another gathering with ex-colleague friends, and I made it.

Just three of us, but then I preferred small gathering with meaningful conversation, instead of big gathering where people talked in small groups anyway, where most of the people in the gathering do not know what's happening at the other end of the table. Or just two seats away really.

So a lunch and we moved to a tea house after, and then it's already 16:00 hours, just like that.

I take that as we were having a good time, so the time passed quickly.

For a borderline antisocial person, I find this a worthwhile social event.

Other |enjoyable events| category entries.

Potato mode on!

Public and replacement holidays next Monday and Tuesday, plus the half day leave I took today make a 4.5 days long weekend, yippie! =D

And since the project management keeps changing their mind on a weekly basis, I actually do not have the latest information to be able to do anything, so there is no worry about working overtime this long weekend.

I will take that as a blessing in disguise, and worry about the unrealistic deadline they will demand when they finally decided on something solid.

Not like it's the first time we suffer for management issue. Have zero confidence they will improve. Call me a skeptic, but I am just being realistic.

Anyway, I intend to sink some substantial time in playing Diablo IV, to progress in the season journey and be done with it. Like the storyline, but can't say I enjoy the gameplay. The latest and not greatest item and loot changes have been unnecessarily convoluted, and the many more one shot kill mechanisms are pure frustration. Most of the time I didn't even know what killed me.

Don't really have any other plan for the long weekend...

So heads up, potato mode is on! Don't contact me for work related stuff, bad karma and shittiest luck for the remaining of the year to whoever that does.

Other |hyped up heads up| category entries.

Never end

Just when I was about to finish with the questionable aesthetic pleasing chassis that is a nightmare for thermal model generation, they change the whole damn thing yet again.

Every single week, a major change that renders whatever I am working on obsolete.

Basically they haven't decided on a firm direction, just randomly throwing out ideas, yet they demand thermal assessment to be done as soon as possible.

And had the cheek to say more changes coming.

What the fish and duck? What's the point of doing an assessment on something you already discarded? Bunch of monkey clowns.

Waste of my time and effort.

I will just wait until you get your mess sorted and decided on something more solid, a proper project direction instead of this sorry state you shamelessly considered defined.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

Random thoughts

Spent one whole working day, just to get something acceptable in thermal model for the rounded corners the mechanical design loves so much.

And most likely will have to totally replace them with stair-step version when the mesh gives endless convergence problem.

-----

How can someone feel alright for hurting another person? Knowingly.

That is care? That is privilege?

-----

Headache, for no apparent reason.

Left eye. Top left side of head.

Being zombie in the bed is all I could do.

-----

Diablo IV Lord of Hatred item, loot and Horadric Cube are just one convoluted system that I do not enjoy.

A fail in my book.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

Shell

I am done. Finished. Drained. Emptied. Hollowed out.

Pushed around. Ignored. Disrespected. Gaslighted.

Repeatedly. Again and again.

No remorse.

I am broken.

A writhed husk.

Other |sane side| category entries.

悟

“天下无难事，只要肯放弃。”

我笑点低，所以第一次听到这句话，觉得是很搞笑的歪理。

然后几年后的如今，开始怀疑，那是不是已经活到了另一个境界的领悟？

当然要放得下，先要学会不在乎。断舍离。

所以我自己加了条后句：

“凡事都能放，只要不在乎。”

如果做得到，应该会活得轻松快乐些吧？

随兴随想 |系列|

忌日

三年。

我们好好。

对不起。谢谢你。

心语细述 |系列|

292 steps

I am getting further and further away from my flat rectangular shape. It's not an attractive body shape, but that's my shape for many years.

Well, many years when I was younger.

For the many more recent years, that flat rectangular shape is developing a bulge. It's getting bigger and bigger.

While round is also a shape and I have nothing against it really, I simply prefer the rectangular more. For my body shape, that is.

So I have been exercising since early May, every alternative weekday.

I would take the rubbish out after I washed the dishes, take the lift down, and climb the stairs back to my unit.

That's 17 floors, 292 stair-steps, and takes me around 6 minutes of steady walk without break.

Don't know how long this will last. I can but try.

Other |flickering fling| category entries.

Finally

Twelve days after the launch of Diablo IV second expansion: Lord of Hatred, I have finally completed the campaign.

I know there are many who bragged about completing the campaign, getting to max level, end game and all that in a few hours on launch day. Good for you, but as someone who loves the lore and enjoys the details, no thanks.

I am a slow gamer and proud of it, hahaha! =P

Sure am glad I am done with the campaign, mightily curious how Blizzard will continue the story? Is it going to be about another Prime Evil now?

Until the next lore update though, time for me to get myself familiar with the new features in this expansion.

And to complete the season journey.

Hope I will have enough game time for that, and not ending up with a mad rush that's totally not my way of having fun playing a game.

Other |geeky gaming| category entries.

有感而发：散

几年前我换了部门。新环境、新同事。

反社会、反交际的我绝大多数时候是独来独往，但还是在同事间有了两位朋友。

一位去年尾离开了公司。另一位这月尾将要离开公司。

有那曲终人散的感觉。

归零。

终究人走茶凉？

伤感。惆怅。失落。

愿他们寻获他们的梦想和成就…

有感而发 |系列|

May

May has arrived.

Well, already the fifth day of May.

Won't say that I have writer's block, more like lack of interesting things to record.

Same old same old.

Efforts and sacrifices mostly taken for granted.

Unfulfillment and dissatisfaction a regular part of life.

Life goes on.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

心的频道：第八个

六个月后，我再次收到了公司要为我有参与的发明概念，申请专利的通知。

是上星期六发出的电邮通告，我这星期一才看到。但星期一在公司忙了一整天，回到家我都忘了要做个记录。

这是我第八个专利申请。=)

心安理得的接受，因为可以说是我把整组人拖过终点线的。

好啦，应该说是一个半人，把整组五个人拖完最后那几百米。我是贡献了一整个人，加另外两位各四分之一。

我那许许多多周末的加时工作，总算没有徒劳无功。

第八个。开心，感恩。

心的频道 |系列|

Diablo IV Lord of Hatred

Diablo IV second expansion: Lord of Hatred has arrived!

I have pre-purchased it a while back so I had played one of the two new classes in this expansion: the Paladin. So, like many others, I will be playing the new Warlock class this season.

Many new and changed things besides the new classes in this expansion. There is the continuation of the storyline in a new region. The level cap is raised to 70. The Horadric Cube is back, as well as set items.

Skill trees got overhauled. End game is supposedly more fun now, with a War Plan system to help organise the activities and earn rewards. Not sure what the fuss is about loot, but Blizzard said the new Loot Filter is much asked for.

Also not sure why Blizzard has to include fishing in so many of its games, but ya, players can fish in Diablo IV now. For the record I continue to ignore the fishing in Diablo Immortal since it was introduced, however long ago that was.

Here's hoping I have time to enjoy the game.

Other |geeky gaming| category entries.

全…？

情人老婆仔旅游回来了，嘢！^_^

家里有老婆仔，感觉完整。

又可以不时就跑去索抱了，呵呵！=P

我不是她优先考虑的人和事，论先后次序，我排在很后很后…

她自己、孩子、她家人、她的工作和客户、运动、韩剧和陆剧，这些过后才是我的顺序。

多年不被优先和经历的拒绝，我也渐渐不自讨没趣。两个人的事，一个人坚持是徒劳无功的，只有碰一鼻子灰。

所以家里是人全了，但我不全。很久了。

心语细述 |系列|

有感而发：缺

感觉很缺。

缺动力、缺进度。这整个星期都不知道完成了什么？

处处不顺、徒劳无功。总有琐琐碎碎的杂活、那些被点去做的苦差、突然空降无头无尾令人摸不着头脑的悬任务、一堆费时费事但又没有什么报告价值的零碎工作。

缺抱、缺爱。情人老婆仔不在，我空虚、寂寞、冷。「蓝瘦，香菇」。=(

希望她玩得开心，期待她的归来。

缺时间。明天就星期五了，我都没有东西交差，唉…

又，〈黑暗破坏神IV〉第十二季马上就要结束了，我还好多任务没完成嘞！

忙到根本都没什么时间玩，看来这一季是废了，完成不了任务了，唉…

如果不缺钱该有多好，马上就辞工享受人生！

有感而发 |系列|

Small win

Didn't work overtime this weekend.

Broke the streak. Win!

Gotta celebrate these small wins.

Could well be all I am going to get.

Other |temperamental thoughts| category entries.

Blood

Repeat and repeat, the plea for care and concern, and see them ignored and made nothing of.

Acknowledged by answering myself to console myself that yes, at least I heard myself if nobody else does.

A simple "oh" to myself, an act of giving up really, but somehow it would trigger the common courtesy of acknowledgement. Too late, the damage is done.

The "I don't know what to say" just reinforced how unimportant it is. Courtesy aside, if there were any trace of care or concern, there would be plenty to say and do.

The message is clear. So I stopped bothering.

Day after day, head foggy and heavy, often ache. Discomfort and pain on various part of the body, constant irritation. Sick and illness comes and goes. I could only trudge on, on my own.

I could drop dead and nobody in the house would realise for many hours, absolutely no chance of discovery within the golden period where I could still be saved.

That's just how it is.

The cold and running nose flared up again yesterday, so I was in even worse condition than I already was for many days. And dad noticed. He asked after me. He offered to drive me to the clinic. Care and concern, from blood.

Other |sane side| category entries.

So be it

Just want to put in record that today is the day I decided that, after the stock at home runs out, which is pretty soon, that I no longer want to have Coke at home.

Also, I no longer want to have potato chips as supper.

Don't get me wrong, I will still drink Coke and I will still eat chips, it's just that I no longer want to have Coke readily available at home, and I want to eat something healthier (hopefully) as supper.

Because my health is a mess now and I am in constant discomfort in a daily basis. I would like to live to 50. Nobody cares so it's up to myself.

It's a thought at the moment, and soon when the stock of Coke runs out, it will commence in earnest.

How long will I last? I honestly have no idea.

I can but try.

Other |flickering fling| category entries.

Three days long weekend

Took today, Monday, off to make a three days long weekend.

I desperately needed a break.

But I didn't get one.

Worked overtime on all three days, including a 02:42 to 04:51 hours bout.

Because that's when the simulations completed, and if I didn't post-process them and set subsequent cases to run, I would lose simulation time where the server and the workstation just sat idle.

And I couldn't sleep anyway.

Health is a total mess now. Constant headache. Horrible quality of sleep. Regular eye pain. Worst ever hemorrhoids. Emotionally deprived. Drained.

Besides sleep deprivation, I have been in constant ache and discomfort for days now. Could really use a lot of tender loving care.

Took annual leave to rest and relax, to release some stress. Got neither.

Only worse.

Absolute mess.

Other |runaway rants| category entries.

累·无奈

累。真的好累。

很想过个什么都不做，就只是休息的周末。真的很想。

拿了下星期一的假，虽然有这个月不拿假就要作废了的缘故，但更因为是累。

假是拿了，但已经知道今天晚餐后依然是要工作，而且很大可能三天长周末也是。

希望不需要三天都要加时工作啦…

我真的好累。

好无奈。

心语细述 |系列|

命贱莫思闲

三月过了，今年已经过了四分之一。

上星期整理了今年至今的加时工作记录，暂时还不错，如果继续这三个月的趋势，今年有望达到加时工作少过一百天的目标。

劳碌命的人，真的不可以这样遐想…

就因为有了那想法，马上就需要连续加时工作了三天。两天周末，和昨天做到近凌晨两点钟那种。

我知错了！求求不用再证明些什么了。

命贱的人，想都不要想。真的。

心语细述 |系列|

New view counter

Since February, the view counter for this blog that I used for many years has gone haywire.

I was hoping it's just a temporary glitch that would be sorted out, but alas, it wasn't.

From early February to early April, it reported negative view count for about twenty days. So the counter is no longer reliable and the view count is totally messed up.

I finally decided I have given it enough time to sort itself out, and since it didn't, I ditched it and changed to another counter from websiteOut (thanks!) yesterday.

So the view count (daily unique visitor) for this year is screwed, I will have to start over with this year being the new baseline. Oh well.

Blogspot does have its own counter though, which I displayed at the bottom of the left menu labelled Total Pageviews. That's Blogspot internal counter and it shows a pretty large number so I guess that must be from the beginning of this blog and most likely is page view instead of daily unique visitor count.

Anyway, let's hope this new counter is reliable.

Other |hyped up heads up| category entries.

生活点滴：选择

煎鸡蛋加上点酱清和胡椒粉，夹在两片面包间，是我从小就吃到大的三文治。

今天早餐，情人老婆仔也是帮我准备了鸡蛋面包三文治，感恩。=)

只是齁，今天用的是那吃起来干巴巴又哽喉咙的麦芽面包。=(

人生短短几十年，何必为难自己吃这么 dry 的面包哦？

午餐后洗盘碗时，我问情人老婆仔：“婆仔，为什么你买健康但不好吃的面包？你知道我比较喜欢不健康但好吃的白面包的吗齁？”

情人老婆仔一往精简的回说：“知道，没有白的了。”

我：“哦…”

结束。都还没有把也喜欢白面包的小瓜拖下水，呵呵！

唉，只好吃几天这很 dry（但比较健康！）的麦芽面包咯…

生活点滴 |系列|

Record!

Not even April yet and I have already completed my tax refund. This has got to be a record for me.

Yes yes, I know there are kiasu people who completed it as soon as the e-filing tool is available and some who already got the refund banked in.

I am not one of those people, I am the slacker extraordinaire, so the norm for me is doing it on the last few days before the end date.

This so un-slacker-like behaviour is due to this being the first time I am filing tax refund with wifey having income, so we decided to try to see whether filing together as one or separately net us higher amount of refund.

Hands down filing separately for our case, by a big margin. Now we know.

And since I have completed the two versions, I just submitted the filed separately version and be done with it.

So ya, 'tax refund completion more than one month before end date' achievement unlocked! =P

Other |nutty nuts| category entries.

Insecurity

My work involves working with customer to design their system to the best possible within their constraints.

So when I am not assigned to any project that works with the customer, but only assigned to internal projects, naturally I have some misgivings.

Truth is I feel a lot more comfortable not working with customer, because of my introvert and antisocial personality.

But I am not paid a salary to be comfortable, and the team charter is to work with the customer.

So there is sense of unease and insecurity.

Is this the sign of being next in line for the chopping board? That I am going to get axed soon?

Time will tell, and for the time being all I can do is worry myself senselessly.

The anxiety is real.

Other |sane side| category entries.

心的频道：老古董

我有同性恋的朋友，算是谈得来的。也有同性恋的亲人，很亲的那种。

我觉得有点奇怪的是，都是男的。我没有女同性恋的朋友。

没有刻意去交同性恋的朋友啦，毕竟我对社交越来越没有兴趣好多年了。应该超过十五年了吧？

人类很累人的！是的，我是反社会人格。

因为有同性恋的朋友和亲人，所以我认为我自己对同性恋是接受认可的。就是那些人的性取向嘛，我没有那样的性取向，但我也可以接受别人有那样的性取向的。我是那样认为啦…

昨天刚看最新一集泰国版的〈跑男〉，这一集是伴侣游戏，但只有一位女出演者，所以有很多对男男伴侣组合。

泰国应该是一个同性恋已经被普遍接受的国家，而我这在一个有很多无厘头约束的回教国家生活的人，还真的看那一集泰国版的〈跑男〉看到扑面的文化冲击。

每每原版韩国〈跑男〉有伴侣游戏时，男男伴侣组合是大家都抗拒厌烦的，男出演者总会想尽办法赢得女出演者的青睐来凑成男女组合。男男伴侣组合的其中一位需要男扮女装，而且都是走搞笑路线的，毕竟是小孩也合适的综艺节目嘛。

所以当连续两位泰国版的〈跑男〉男出演者把唯一的女出演者推开来凑成男男伴侣组合时，我真的是看了个傻眼。

然后就是游戏中那些很真挚的亲昵举动，明明如果是男女伴侣做的话，我会会心微笑那种，但是男男伴侣做时，我看了是觉得怪怪的。有点不舒服的感觉。

也许我不是自己想象中那么思想开通的…

我是可以接受同性恋这事，但可以的话不想要看到男男亲昵的举动的老古董。

心的频道 |系列|

Potato mode on!

Replacement holidays next Monday and Tuesday, so it's a four days long weekend, woohoo!

Granted, I just finished my overtime work not long ago but at least I still have 3.5 days long weekend.

Cheap labour should not complaint.

Here's hoping I can truly rest and relax for the rest of the 3.5 off days. Goodness knows I need it. Desperately.

So heads up, potato mode is on! Don't contact me for work related stuff, bad karma and shittiest luck for the remaining of the year to whoever that does.

Other |hyped up heads up| category entries.